8/23/2011

Here's a description of what grief looked like for me, as we get to the 9-weeks-since-my-miscarriage mark. I'm also doing my best to describe what I see God doing through this situation.

MY GRIEF

There were days that I felt like David when he wrote this in Psalm 13: "How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart?"

I had a week or two when I didn't want to talk to or see anybody. I didn't answer the phone. I didn't make any plans to do anything. I stayed home. I isolated myself. And I grieved. I also had a week or two when I didn't want to think about what happened, so I lost myself in a huge book series that kept my thoughts elsewhere. As much as possible, I put life on hold and just thought about anything other than our lost baby. All of this is common for grieving people to go through, as a normal stage of grief - denial and isolation. These are days that feel dark and gloomy, where the sun doesn't seem to ever shine.

There have been some days more recently when I can relate more to David in Psalm 30 where he wrote: "Weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning... You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing." I can say now that the fog is lifting. The sun is starting to shine again. I find myself at a different stage of the grieving process - the place of acceptance.

Of course, the deal with grief is that you can move between stages at any time. It seems that it only takes a small event or word to be a "trigger" that puts me back in a place of questioning, denying, crying, etc.

I have said before that grief comes in waves. It crashes over me, often in unexpected ways and at unexpected times. Recently we started singing this worship song at church - Holy Love by Andy Park. A few lines from the song have challenged me - "Like a crashing wave pouring over me, holy love, flow in me! Many sorrows cannot quench Your love. Darkness cannot overwhelm it." Since those words have settled in my soul, when I find that a wave of grief is crashing over me, I am consciously turning my thoughts towards the love of God and picturing it as the next wave to come crashing over me. The thing with waves is that one always follows another. Sorrow and grief, followed by God's overwhelming love.

WHAT GOD IS DOING THROUGH THIS

God's Word says that "we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." So I can know that He is working things for good out of this situation. And although I certainly don't claim to know the mind of God, I can see some glimpses of His "working things for the good."

* Because of our miscarriage, both my husband and I have had a stronger-than-ever desire to be more intentional, to be more biblical, to be more godly in the way that we raise our children. Therefore my husband has started a family Bible study that we all take part in each evening. This has become the highlight of our day and the children miss it when we skip it for any reason. God is calling our family into a deeper relationship with Himself, deeper into His Word, deeper into His purpose for our lives. And it's a beautiful thing.

*My brother, who lives in Wisconsin, shared our situation as a prayer request with two men at his church, as part of a small group setting. It turned out that both of those men had wives who had miscarried. And this simple prayer request led to a deeper discussion for them about the pain, the grief and how they handled it. One mentioned that he had handled it very badly and been a jerk to his wife about it. He vowed to make things right with her. He also wanted to do something for us, so he purchased a book and mailed it to us as a way to show that he now understood the weightiness of the matter. I find it amazing that God can use something we're going through to bring others to a point of healing.

*I also know that one of the mightiest ways God uses difficult circumstances is to turn us into ones who can minister to others going through similar difficult circumstances. Just weeks before our miscarriage, some friends miscarried. Both my husband and I felt deep sorrow for them and we tried to express our support for them. Yet now that we have experienced miscarriage ourselves, our support would be very different and our understanding would be much greater. No loss is ever exactly the same, so nobody can truly say and mean "I know exactly what you're going through. I've been there. Done that. Know it completely." Every loss is different, but ones of who have experienced deep loss can relate more with the feelings and the grief of others who experience deep loss.

*Loss of any type is hard on a marriage, but losing a child significantly increases the likelihood of a couple divorcing. Why? Because spouses grieve differently and tend to drift apart in their grief, rather than coming together in their grief. I am so very thankful that the Lord has been gracious to my husband and myself, in allowing us to grieve together and to become stronger through this loss. Stronger. Gentler. Closer. United in purpose and mission. More precious to one another.

*I've mentioned this before, but death helps put life into perspective. Our family, including our two young children, have a better perspective of life now. We understand heaven more. We long for eternity more. More than ever we want to live lives that give glory to God. We want to be intentional about serving Him with whatever days we have. And when our lives on earth are done, we look forward with great anticipation and excitement to what comes next.

I end with the lyrics to a song entitled "Bring the Rain" by MercyMe. I share it because it is my story and the cry of my heart also.

I can count a million times, people asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, O Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain!

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty!