8/31/2011

I've had one reoccurring thought since my miscarriage: what happens next?

In a strange way I feel like I'm waiting for "the other shoe to drop." I'm waiting for some other terrible thing to happen.

My son developed a fever a few days ago. He was up many times in the night. I gave him some medicine for his ouchies and fever and tucked him bed again... and again. One of the times I was up with him I had a lingering fear that he was dying. I kept thinking that he would die in his sleep that night. The last time I tucked him in, he told me that he'd seen angels in his dreams. "God's good angels. And rainbows too, Mommy." My mind wondered again, "What happens next? Is my son next? Is this my last conversation with him, hearing of his beautiful dreams of being with God?" I know that I can't trust my sleep-deprived, middle-of-the-night thoughts, but this wasn't the first time I'd had such fears seem so real.

I keep pleading with God. I tell Him that I'm not strong. I remind Him that I am not Job and could not handle losses like Job endured. My deepest fear is that my miscarriage would mark the beginning of an ongoing season of loss. I don't want to lose any more. I don't want to lose my kids. I don't want to lose my husband.

These thoughts are irrational. These fears make no sense. There is no reason for me think that I'll be dealing with the loss of my kids or my husband or anyone close to me any time soon. But the irrational thoughts and fears remain, as unfounded and crazy as they may seem.

I remind myself of God's goodness and the fact that He has led us thus far. I remind myself of many others who have suffered miscarriages but later conceived again and carried healthy babies to full-term. Then my mind goes back to our history of infertility. Then I'm back to the question: What next?

Will we welcome any more children into our family? There is a 4-year-4-month gap between my daughter and my son. There would've been a 4-year-2-month gap between my son and our miscarried baby. Now what? Will it be another 4 years before we conceive again? Will God miraculously intervene? Will He lead us through an adoption miracle in a way we cannot even imagine right now? Will we conceive again and miscarry again? Will we remain a family of 4 and learn to be content that way?

Many questions. No real answers. Maybe I shouldn't be thinking about the future, for it will play itself out one day at a time. And each day has enough trouble of its own - why borrow more from tomorrow? True enough.

Maybe I'm crazy and this post gives you a glimpse into my insane thoughts. I wonder if it's common to have these types of fears during seasons of grief.

For now I live each day, trying my best to enjoy my children, my husband, my life. Living in light of eternity, knowing that at any moment this life could be over, and yet trying not to fear that day coming sooner than I'd like. And I trust in verses like this one: For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all (2 Cor 4:17). With an eternal perspective, our troubles on earth are small and temporary. And with a big God... He can handle our fears and doubts and sorrows and weave them into something beautiful and glorious somehow. I'm banking on it.