Miscarriage: 8 Weeks Later

It's been 8 weeks since my miscarriage. I wonder how long I'll be counting weeks like this... not the kind of counting of weeks I would've liked. I would've been 16 weeks along in my pregnancy at this point. Definitely showing. Definitely in some maternity clothes. Definitely elated.

I find that few people know what to do with a grieving mama.

  • The majority of folks just don't bring it up. Don't talk about the baby, the miscarriage or the grief. It's easier that way. And I know they don't want to make me cry. So we don't talk about it.This isn't really helpful, however. Most grieving people want to talk about their loved one, the one they've lost. It is healing to talk about what we're feeling.
  • A handful of folks consider the grieving person to be "broken" and in need of fixing. So I have had a few people talk to me as though they are taking me on as their personal project, to fix me back up and make me joyful. As though I just need to "get over it" - the grief, that is. If sadness and grief is bad, then do away with the bad and get back to the good. Looking at someone who is grieving in this way isn't helpful either. They don't need fixing. They need healing that comes from time, from compassion, from processing through what they are feeling. Grief is a process that cannot be rushed and nobody should be pushed through it or made to feel like they are taking too long.
  • Unfortunately the smallest group of people are those who understand. They have often gone through a deep loss themselves so they can empathize. They don't hesitate to bring up the loss. They know that talking about it helps and shows that they truly do care. They respect whatever is shared - the good, the bad, the ugly, the truth and the lies - about how one is feeling. They respect the process and know that it will lead to eventual healing.

I find comfort in this beautiful hibiscus plant that is growing in our yard. A friend from church gave us this and encouraged us to plant it as a memorial, to remind us of our baby. We did. I wasn't sure how much good it would do, but I find that I very much enjoy looking at it each morning. It's regularly full of beautiful blooms. It encourages my heart and brings a smile to my face. Looking at it is like letting the sun peak into the darkness of my sorrow.

While reading a a book written for grieving parents, I was strangely comforted by this thought: "Life is for the living." This life is for those living it here on this earth. It isn't for those who have passed on. They are gone from this life. This life is for those of us who are left and it will only last for a short time. And this life isn't all there is. There is eternal life yet to come. But for now, this life is for those left here to live it. So life goes on... for me, my husband and the two children who are still here.

And my thoughts remain torn between life here and life there. Schedules, homeschool, meal prep, child training, couponing and a dozen other things consume my thoughts as I live life here. But many times a day my thoughts turn to life "there" - eternal life, time with Jesus, time with my child, spiritual maturity, worship of my Lord and King, walking on streets of gold.

Some other time I will share about some of the ways I see God bringing good out of this situation, because I do see some these small glimpses of light in the darkness. And I will share more about how my grief is affecting me and my choices in life. Next time...


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