5/24/2012

It's been many months since I've written a post on fostering. Recently some things have brought it back to the front of my mind.   


There's been a high profile abuse case in northern Indiana lately. It involved a father who just today was found guilty of abusing 3 of his children and of killing one of them, a 10-year-old boy. The abuse involved a big stick, a hot iron, duct tape used to tie them up... just sickening to even hear about this type of abuse and even worse to know it was the children's own father who was the abuser. 


While it seems that justice has been served, with the abuser being found guilty and likely spending the rest of his life in prison, so many questions remain unanswered. 


Teachers saw the scars on the children and reported the abuse to CPS (Child Protective Services). CPS investigated and visited the home at least twice, according to the news reports. And yet, the children remained in the home with their abusive father. Why? 


What did the father say and do that convinced the social workers that he was safe, that the home was safe? How could such abuse go on for months or years without someone speaking up? A grandmother lived in the house. There is a case against her, since she did nothing to report or stop the abuse (which was presume she was aware of). How does she live with herself?


As a former foster mom and someone who has been a part of "the system" that is in place to protect children, I have other questions too. How overworked were the social workers involved in this case? I heard from almost every case worker we had about how busy they were, how little time they had to return calls or make home visits. "I'm sorry. I'll get back with you when I can. I'll get to it, I promise."


In some terrible way, I saw this coming. When we became foster parents, our state of Indiana was in a transition and trying to achieve a balanced budget. Many services were cut. One area that was cut was CPS / foster care. I don't want to argue the pros and cons of budget cuts. I know that tough decisions have to be made some times in order to reign in out-of-control spending. And I'm not making a political statement. I'm simply pointing out that since becoming involved with foster care two years ago, we learned that in Indiana case workers are strongly encouraged to keep children in the home. While in many states in America, having a foster parenting license is a practical guarantee of having foster children in your home whenever you want them, Indiana is the opposite. There are an abundance of foster parents in Indiana and they are not being utilized because it is less expensive to keep children in their homes and provide "wrap around services" (like counseling, etc) than to pay for foster care. 

So somehow this situation didn't seem severe enough to the case workers involved to pull the children from that home. Did they see the scars? Did they ask the kids? If only they had probed deeper, had time to investigate further.


I just wonder how many foster parents would've gladly taken in this 10-year-old boy and provided him with a safe, loving home while his abusive father got the help he needed. Instead the foster homes stood empty and the boy remained with his father. He died.


It's a sad, sad story all around. One child dead. Two young boys testifying in court of their father's abuse. A grandmother who stood by and did nothing. CPS workers who tried but failed in this case. The system failed this boy.


I don't have the answers. I only have lots of questions... and some guilt, as one who was part of "the system" in place to prevent situations like these. A system meant to save children. 


I know, though, that no human system can save us from our evil selves. Yet somehow we hope in the system to do some good. In this case, the good will be for the two surviving children.


I welcome your thoughts. How could we fix the system? What could've been done in this situation to save the boy's life?

Lastly, let me encourage you to make a call to the Abuse Hotline if you EVER suspect abuse or neglect is happening. In Indiana, that number is 1-800-800-5556. 

11/17/2011

I am not an expert on foster parenting, nor am I a professional social worker. However, I've learned a lot about foster parenting in the last two years, as I trained and served as foster parent. So I am passing along my Top 3 Resources for learning about fostering.

#3 - Your fostering agency. Depending on your state, there will be anywhere from 10 to 30 hours of pre-training required to become a foster parent. Those hours of training are helpful and provide a framework for understanding "the system." That is the time to ask questions and seek clarification, to better understand the role of the foster parent, the fostering agency, the case workers, and others. With that said, though, I would still only list this as the 3rd most helpful resource. I found the training to be helpful but not as helpful as it could've been. They provided some answers, but also left many questions unanswered. In many ways, we walked out of training with limited knowledge and didn't even know what questions we should've been asking at that point. We didn't know what all we didn't know yet.

That leads to an even more helpful resource:

#2 - The internet. I found it very helpful to locate my state's Department of Child Services website and read through their online foster parenting manual. Almost any question I had about procedures or technicalities (like, can you cut a foster child's hair without their parents' permission) was addressed in the state manual. It's lengthy and wordy (similar to trying to read the tax code) but it was also pain-stakingly thorough, which is what I wanted when I had a specific question needing answered.

However, there was still one more resource that proved to be even more helpful in preparing me to be a foster parent:

#1 - A foster parenting podcast found here at www.fosterpodcast.com. This podcast is simply a California couple - Tim and Wendy - chronicling their years of experiences as foster parents. They are quirky and fun to listen to. They are Christians, so I can appreciate their heart as they approach fostering. And they are very honest about their experiences. My husband stumbled upon their podcast when we were just starting our foster parenting training. Their advice and tips were more valuable than any other training we had. I started listening at episode 1 and listened all the way through to the current episode (as I write this, there are 109 episodes, each from 20 to 35 minutes in length). They have addressed everything related to foster parenting - attachment, discipline, security, schooling, therapy, relationships with birth parents, the role of the case workers, etc. They have fostered over a dozen children and ended up adopting two young girls through the foster care system a few years ago. They tell it like it is and don't sugar-coat the hard stuff. The only caveat is that they are in California so listeners must take that into account and consider laws and regulations in their own state, which may differ (quite a bit, even) from California.

If you are thinking of fostering or just want to learn more, I strongly encourage you to start by listening to Tim and Wendy's podcast to hear the good, the bad, and the ugly of foster parenting... and the reasons why you should still seriously consider it!

10/11/2011

As you'd expect, a year of serving as a foster mom can teach you many things. Here are my top 5 lessons learned.

5. No amount of training adequately prepares foster parents for what they will encounter. We underwent 30+ hours of training to obtain a fostering license. Since that time, the state has actually lowered the requirements to only 15 hours of training to obtain a license. And yet, after all of the training, we still felt as though we were not fully prepared for what would come our way as a foster family.

Every fostering situation is different, so it is impossible to prepare a foster family for every possible situation they may encounter. And rules and guidelines for foster families change yearly (like the tax code) so it's hard to stay on top of them. However, foster parents will be held to high standards and are expected to follow strict guidelines, so training is necessary to teach those things. I feel our state is doing a disservice by lowering the requirements for licensure in order to make it easier to become foster parents, while this means that folks will have even less information about what they are signing up for and what is expected of them as foster parents.

4. Good intentions aren't enough when it comes to orphan care. Many things are needed to be a good foster parent - organizational skills, patience, compassion, communication skills, transportation, high tolerance of stress, ability to stay calm in chaotic situations, training hours, etc. To simply want to help is good - it's a good starting point. Yet much more is required. The pity, sympathy or compassion that one feels for the orphan child does little good if not put into action in tangible way. The emotion should move us to action - to prayer, to becoming an advocate for children, to foster parenting, to something, to anything that is a tangible expression of our concern.

3. Foster care is a broken system. There is no way to get around the fact that the state fostering system is chaotic, government-run, under-staffed, and under-funded. It is far from perfect, yet it is the current way of handling the orphan crisis in America. It is all that is in place currently to provide any help, as broken and inefficient as it is. Working within the foster care system can be very frustrating. Those who are to be working on behalf of children can't keep up with the paperwork demanded of them. The system needs an overhaul. Or the Church in America needs to step back up to the ministry of orphan care.

2. There is a great need for more people to be foster parents, however... that need is skewed heavily towards teenagers and difficult-to-parent children. In our state, we were told that it was pointless to become foster parents who would take only infants. Infants are "easy" to care for and easy to place with foster families. There are dozens of foster families waiting to take in infants, in our county. What is truly needed, at least in our area, are foster parents who will take in older children, especially teenagers. This is part of the reason we stepped down from fostering for the time being. We would gladly accept infants and very young children, but we do not feel it's wise to take in teenage children given the ages of our biological children. So, while the need is great and more foster parents are needed, all things are not equal when it comes to the age of the children who waiting for a foster family to take them in.

1. When you take the risk to love, your heart may get hurt. To risk love may mean pain. It may mean that providing help for someone else proves painful for yourself in the process. Yet we are called to love. To give. To risk. To do it over and over. This is maturity. This is growth. This is true self-sacrifice. This is laying one's life down for another. God can certainly use foster parenting as a means of sanctification, as a way of refining us, as a daily opportunity to lay down one's life for another.

John 15:13 Greater love has no one than this, to lay down one's life for one's friends.

9/22/2011

DCS - Friend or Foe?

When deciding to become foster parents and work directly with the State, you open yourself up to the scrutiny and inspection of DCS (Department of Child Services, as it's called in Indiana; also known as CPS - Child Protective Services). Social workers will be in your home. They will watch you interact with your biological family and your foster children. They will walk through your home to ensure it is a safe environment for children. They will look through your home study (approximately 30 pages of information you provide to them about your life, your values, your discipline techniques, your finances, your childhood, your everything). Your life becomes an open book, by necessity, for them to give you their stamp of approval as a foster parent. DCS is like a friend that you share everything with.

As a homeschooling family, we hear plenty of horror stories from others like us who face questioning or detention by DCS. Homeschooling has come a long way since the "movement" began 30 years ago. Parents' rights to homeschool their children are protected freedoms in America. Yet there are situations that make the news now and then about a judge ruling that certain parents cannot homeschool their children or that children are suffering "educational neglect" and are therefore removed from their home. Homeschoolers are generally taught to fear DCS, to stay clear of them as much as possible, and to know their individual rights should DCS ever knock on their door with questions about why their kids aren't in school. DCS is viewed as a foe, an enemy to avoid at all cost.

Walking the fine line between these two is indeed like walking a tightrope. We have done that for the last year. For most of that year, we felt trusted by the DCS workers we interacted with. No questions were raised about our homeschooling - nobody asked how often we "do school" or what curriculum we use or even how we expected foster parenting to impact our homeschooling. They left us alone.

In more recent interaction with DCS social workers, however, the tide seemed to turn. We got a taste of what it must be like for parents to have DCS interfere with daily life, to question their motives, to take things out of context, to make judgements based on insufficient information. It felt like we were betrayed by a friend - our "friend" DCS, whom we had shared our everything with. Suddenly we were suspect, we were viewed by them as an enemy. I cannot go into more detail due to confidentiality and privacy concerns.

For us, DCS was both a friend and a foe. For most of our year as foster parents, we were on the same team, working together and getting along well. But near the end, we were very disappointed by the relationship, the lack of support, the presence of suspicion, condemnation and judgment. That experience painted DCS as more of a foe in my mind.

Here are a few things I've tried to remember throughout this time:

1) Our experience is only our experience. Others may have great experiences or terrible experiences working with DCS as foster parents. I cannot paint DCS as all good or all bad, because DCS is made up of hundreds (in our county) of employees. Some of those are good at what they do and some aren't. As in any group of people, there are both. Yet each of those employees represents DCS and makes an impression on the public they interact with, who will form impressions of DCS based on that person's representation.

2) Many people have difficulties working directly with DCS. As a state-run agency, everyone employed there is over-worked and under-paid. Social workers have huge case loads, demanding more from them than can reasonably be accomplished in any given work day. This is a reason why many foster parents choose to work through a private agency, instead of working directly with DCS. They can give more support to their foster parents. They aren't spread as thin. They provide help more promptly. There are pros and cons to both working directly with DCS or working with a private agency. We may not have experienced the difficulties we did if we had been working with a private agency instead of with DCS directly.

3) Our experience in recent weeks has given us a great opportunity to put this biblical principle into practice - Romans 12:14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. My kids and I had been memorizing that passage during some of those difficult times with DCS. It came back to me over and over. Bless. Don't curse. Don't grow bitter. Bless the work they are doing on behalf of children in need.

I don't share our experience to discourage anyone from becoming a foster parent. I do share it so that anyone who heads that direction has eyes wide open to the good and the bad they may encounter, in order to be prepared more fully.

Foster care is a broken system run by broken people who are trying to help other broken people. Nothing about it is perfect. The very reason that children end up in foster care is become something went wrong. There is no perfect solution for them, since God's "perfect solution" (ie. a loving, caring family) fell through. So the people involved try the best they can to provide a "good" situation, but they cannot provide a perfect situation. At this point in America's history, foster care is the government's way to respond to the orphan crisis. Choosing to enter into that system as foster parents is to open yourself up to the good and the bad that comes with it. Our experience proved DCS as a friend and a foe, in a 12-month time period.

9/20/2011

I mentioned last time that we were making some changes to our foster parenting status. Big changes, actually.

We are no longer foster parents.

We turned in our notice a few days ago.

It's been one year. We are very thankful that we were able to provide a safe and loving home for the 6 children who spent time with us.

However, there were some things that happened that caused us to question if the timing was right for us to be serving in this way. The biggest concern was related to how our two biological children were affected by having the foster children in our home. My daughter is 8 years old and overall handled things very well. My 3-year-old son, though, struggled a lot during the time that foster children were present in our home and long after they left. In fact, it's been over a month since our last foster children left and my son is still exhibiting behaviors that he picked up from those last children.

We also had a very difficult experience with our last foster placement. We saw some terrible things as a result of that placement - things that came out of us, things that came out of our biological children, things that came out of those whose job it is to support us as foster parents. In some ways it felt as though the legs were kicked out from under us, leaving us with no support. Continuing to work within that system is impossible at the moment.

So, we are stepping away from foster parenting... not because our hearts no longer desire to help children and not because God's heart for the orphan child has changed. But because we owe it to our biological children to be here 100% for them, to guide and protect them while they are young. And because we've been burned by a broken system that let us down in our time of need.

I don't know what the future holds. I do know that in another ten years, we could easily return to foster parenting, at least in our hearts. Maybe it is in that season of life that we could have a fruitful, on-going foster parenting ministry.

Many of you know that we suffered a miscarriage in June. It was devastating... and still is. It was a major loss, as hopes and dreams were dashed. Laying down foster parenting feels similar to me. It is another loss, as hopes and dreams are again dashed. It feels like something is being ripped away from us. It feels like defeat. It feels like giving up.

But my rational mind reminds me that there is wisdom in knowing our limits, in knowing how much we can realistically handle at this stage of life. And it is not failure to try one's best - it is failure to not even try at all.

We gave it our best shot. We served for one year. We know that God has reasons for us meeting Amy and Candace and CJ and Chase and Davey and Jason. Their pictures hang on a wall in our home. My kids talk about them like they are distant cousins or old friends. We'll never forget them.

I have a few other thoughts to share about fostering, so this is likely not the last Foster Parenting Log. But for now, I will thank all of you who have walked on this journey with us, who have looked forward to reading these posts to learn more about foster parenting or to see who God is bringing our way. I thank those of you who know us "in real life" and have prayed for us, have supported and encouraged us, have helped us to provide for the needs of others. God bless you and may God shower mercy on all the children of the world.

Micah 6:8 says "He has shown you, o mortal, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."

9/15/2011

We will soon be at the one year mark of being licensed foster parents. As that date nears, foster parents go through a renewal process - updating paperwork to prove that they are still current with certifications and are able to provide a safe environment for kids. It's also the time to make changes to the age/gender/special needs profile of children you are willing to accept. We will be making some changes to our fostering status, which I'll explain.

First, here's a recap of the highlights of year one as foster parents. Note 1: names have been changed to protect the privacy of our foster children. Note 2: you can go back and read more detailed accounts in the previous foster parenting logs here.

Fall 2010 - we were licensed with a therapeutic fostering agency

December 2010 - had our first placement with CJ, a 9-year-old boy who stayed with us 10 days; this placement was very hard on us as a family

January 2011 - we transferred our fostering license to the Indiana Dept of Child Services to become a "traditional" foster home instead of therapeutic

May 2011 - we fostered two brothers, 3-year-old Chase and 18-month-old Davey, for 4 days; this placement went well

May and June 2011 - we fostered Candace, an 18-month-old girl for 8 days; she was an absolute sweetheart and her stay with us went very well

August 2011 - we fostered two siblings, 4-year-old Amy and 2-year-old Jason, for 8 days; this placement was very difficult for our family

If you add up those days, it means that we had foster children with us for 30 days out of the last year. You can see that much of the last year was spent in the waiting phase - waiting for a call, waiting to see what would happen next.

As Christians, we have found that working with the foster care system is a sanctifying process. What I mean is that there is ample opportunity to become more like Jesus as you deal with broken people and a broken system. Parenting itself is a sanctifying process - foster parenting seems to add another layer of difficulty on top. Patience is required as you wait. Hope is required as you deal with seemingly hopeless situations. Self-control is needed as children act out in ways that anger you. Love is required as you open up your home to someone in need. An inner peace is needed because there is much chaos going on around you. A sense of conviction is required because you will at times feel like you're failing.

We have many emotions and memories as we look back over the past year, as so much as happened in our family. There have been ups and downs, good times and bad in our lives in general but also in our fostering specifically. As our renewal process looms, we want to take a step back and ask again: Is foster parenting what God would have us to do right now? Is this how He wants our family to be involved with His Kingdom work of loving the orphan child?

I'll be sharing more next week about how we are answering those questions and what changes that will mean for our family.

8/17/2011

MORE OF THE DAY TO DAY: After thinking more about what I shared in the previous foster parenting log, I wanted to correct a false impression I may have given. Although it was very crazy and intense having Jason and Amy with us, it was not mass chaos 100% of the time. 99% of the time, yes. But there were a few instances when it seemed that we were connecting with them.

We saw progress in Jason over the days they were with us. He stopped biting. He was hitting less. He started to use "please" and "thank you" on occasion. He started to respond to consequences ("If you continue to do ___________, then you will sit in the time out chair. Do you want to sit in the time out chair? No? Then stop doing what you're doing"). I did not see any progress with Amy, but hers were not as much bad behavior issues as they were related to her disability (something similar to autism) so it will take intense therapy to even hope to overcome them.


Both children were sick with fevers over the weekend they were with us. This turned out to be a blessing in disguise. Both spent more time laying around, wanting to be cuddled, wanting to be read to. Being sick allowed them to allow us to parent them and they could do nothing but accept our love.

HOW DID OUR BIOLOGICAL CHILDREN RESPOND TO THIS PLACEMENT: We learned a lot about our own children as a result of having Jason and Amy in our home. My 8-year-old daughter was able to roll with most of what came our way, but she did not enjoy it. She is excited about foster care and is anxious for us to take in some children. But once the new children come, it doesn't take long for her to wish they were gone. She's honest about it and she lets us know how she feels. She didn't do well with the chaos that Jason and Amy brought to our home. She spent more time in her room by herself, lost in her books. She walked away from meals, saying that she would eat later, because she couldn't handle the noise level at the table with all 6 of us present. On the positive side, though, since she is older she was able to be consistent in good behaviors and habits - not being influenced by the bad behaviors going on around her. I was very proud of her for that!


My 3-year-old son is a different story. He was basically the same age as Jason and soaked up Jason's bad behaviors like a sponge. For example, my son did not have an issue with biting people, but two days into this placement (with Jason introducing biting as a way to respond to your anger) he started biting others. It was ironic that Jason gave up biting a few days later but my son continued with it. And like my daughter, my son also expressed that he wanted Jason and Amy to go home after a day or two of having them with us.

Both my son and my daughter knew that the rules in our house were changed because of these foster children. Certain things (like homeschool) were put on hold. Certain behaviors that we don't tolerate in them were now tolerated in the foster children (like the rudeness, the running in the house, etc). The amount of attention that our kids were used to was greatly diminished and they were expected to be more independent, taking care of things themselves without parental help simply because parents were busy with more immediate dangers/issues. There was an inconsistency that our kids picked up on immediately.

WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE: Experiences like this make us examine our desire to foster. We are not wanting to sacrifice our children on the altar of ministry. We are not wanting our children to resent us for spending more time with foster children than we did with them. We are wanting our children to see us loving others, loving the least of these, welcoming children and orphans and guests into our home.

So we are left again wondering if this is the season of life we should be fostering or if our desire to foster should be put on hold for a few years. Clearly my daughter at age 8 could handle having younger children in our home without major influence on her behavior. Maybe we should wait until our son is closer to that age as well. Or maybe we continue what we're doing and just know that we will spend time de-programming our children after foster children leave our home. It takes time to re-adjust to normal life and normal rules. And we would just know that they could change again at a moment's notice. Of course, this placement was also WAY harder than a normal placement. The issues were all magnified. We've had similar issues with other placements but not to this extent. So maybe we should not "throw the baby out with the bath water" because of this one week of a difficult experience.

WRAP UP: In foster care circles, there is a large emphasis placed on the fact that foster children are not in foster care because there is something wrong with them. They are in foster care because their parents somehow failed as parents. While this is true - foster children are not broken, defective children - foster children often do have "issues" as a result of their broken, defective family lives. These two children have been deeply affected by their parents' choices. Without the grace of God and the intervention of others, their lives are not headed in a positive direction and their futures seem nearly hopeless.

The only hope for Jason and Amy rests in God. And the only hope for our family, as we consider our future, rests in the same place. It's all about Christ and His plans and His glory. It's about living out His love for others - in our marriages, in our family lives, in our "ministry" to others.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you, not to harm. Plans to give you hope and a future!" Jeremiah 29:11

I invite you to pray with us for that future and hope to come to pass for all of us!

8/16/2011

Phew! Sigh! I'm tired. The last week has been a blur of activity and my brain hasn't had time yet to process it all.

Jason and Amy, our two foster children, left our home last night. They were with us for 8 days [We have yet to foster children for more than 10 days... all of our placements have been short term even when they start out expecting to be long term].

What can I say about this placement? It was hard. Harder than anything I've ever done. The most stressful week of my life, of my family's life. I am not exaggerating. Both Jason and Amy have special needs that require more attention than we/I could give them. They are on their way to a therapeutic foster home - a special type of foster home designed for children with special needs. They will also be reunited with two of their siblings in that new foster home.

What made this so tough? The never-ending demands on me take a toll after some time. I know what it's like to be a full-time mom. I realize that kids have needs that you must care for throughout the day. I'm used to filling cups, changing diapers, refereeing squabbles, helping put on / take off clothes, etc. I don't mind these tasks. Yet I do need time to recharge my own batteries.

Naptime and bedtime are generally those times when I get a little breather and can gain perspective. With Jason and Amy, neither naptime nor bedtime happened in a way that provided me with any break. Neither of the kids would fall asleep without the other one in the room and neither would sleep without me in the room. This isn't a huge issue, as there is an extra bed in their room. Yet, they still fought sleep. About half of the days we tried, they napped. The other half, they ran around - screaming, hitting, kicking, banging on doors and windows. They could not be left along in their bedroom, for fear of them hurting one another or breaking something (like the door, the window, etc). They also screamed even louder when left alone in a room.

Our nights weren't much better. Again, I had to be in the room with them. They took over 2 hours to fall asleep most nights. Then they woke up at least once during the night, running around, being loud, waking the other one up, etc. One night Amy was up from 10 pm until 3 am. Night after night of sleep deprivation doesn't lead to good things... for children or for moms!

Perhaps the sleep issues wouldn't have been so bad, if our days were filled with fewer issues. But our days were filled with many troubles of their own. Jason was aggressive and violent. Amy had no restraint and didn't understand "no," so she was often caught turning the microwave on, trying to turn the knobs on the stove, getting into the fridge for whatever looked good to her, playing with the computer, sneaking outside, etc. My attention span whittled down to 30 seconds - I needed to know where both of them were every 30 seconds of every minute, every hour, every day or there was likely trouble happening somewhere.

Case in point: one day I was walking my son through an "I'm sorry" session with his sister because he hit her. My daughter, my son, Amy and I were all in the living room as my son was apologizing. As he's talking, I hear the back door open and close. Only Jason is unaccounted for. I walk away from my son's apology and head to the backyard. After a quick look around, I don't see Jason and wonder if he didn't actually go outside after all but stayed in the house. I return to the house and do a super quick walk-through and don't find him. I ask my daughter to help me find him outside. She quickly spots him on the road in front of our neighbor's house. I call for him. He takes off running further from our house. I told my daughter to stay in the house with the other children as I ran as fast as I could to catch Jason. He made it 4 more houses down the road. Thankfully there were no cars in sight, so he was not in any real danger. But this was a 2-year-old with no qualms whatsoever about walking out of the house and booking it as far as possible down the road.

So the constant 24/7 supervision took a toll and coupled with the lack of sleep and the fact that I had my own two children to care for - there was no way this placement could last for long.

I will share next time about how this placement affected my biological children and where we go from here.

For now, I'm taking a much-needed breather and planning to catch a nap!

8/10/2011

As of Monday night, we have two new foster children in our home.

I hadn't published anything here, but we have actually turned down 2 foster placements in the last month. One was simply too soon after our miscarriage and we said no in order to allow ourselves more time to grieve. The second time was simply a bad fit for our family, with the ages of the children so we said no.

On Monday the call was for the placement of a 2-year-old girl and 4-year-old girl, only to find out later that the 2-year-old was a boy. Regardless, we said yes.

The 4-year-old girl, whom I will call Amy on this blog (not her real name), has some developmental delays from a car accident she was involved in a few years ago. She wears diapers. She doesn't speak much and is generally slow in understanding and learning.

The 2-year-old boy, whom I will call Jason on this blog (not his real name), is all boy. He will turn 3 this week, so he is close in age to my son. He wants to run, jump, hit, throw, climb and get into general mischief - like most boys his age!

I am always amazed at how much you can learn about a child's parents/upbringing by observing the child's behavior, words and mannerisms. These two children were obviously cussed at regularly. Therefore I have been called more swear words in the last 48 hours than I care to count. These children were left to fend for themselves, so they will try to get their own food from the fridge and fill up cups from the faucet. They hear commands (like "please pick up the toys") but have no reason to act on what they hear (so they don't pick up the toys, but walk away and do something else entirely). They have no manners but are used to being barked at, so that is what they are repeating. "Come here!" "Give me that!"

On the lighter side of things, my 8-year-old daughter is quite unfamiliar with swear words. So upon hearing the kids screaming some of their curses, she said "Are they even speaking English?"

This placement will be short-term, but we don't know how short-term yet. We anticipate one month or less, but we know from past experience that things can change quickly with foster care.

If you're inclined to pray for us, we would appreciate it.
*Pray for Amy and Jason as they adjust to living in our home (new rules, new place, new people, etc)
*Pray for our family as we adjust to having these two with us
*Pray for Amy and Jason's family - especially their parents to get things together and work towards reunifying their family
*Pray for God's strength and wisdom for all involved
*Pray for God to be glorified through us and through these circumstances, because bringing Him glory is our purpose in all of life.

More to come on how things progress with these two as the days go by.

6/20/2011

Don't get too excited! This "log" isn't to announce that we have any new foster children with us. It's a bummer, I know! This is a lengthy post, but I wanted to share three specific things that are on my mind these days as it relates to fostering.

WRAPPING UP CANDACE'S STORY:

We haven't any calls or children since Candace (not her real name) was with us earlier this month. I'm not sure why it is so, but seeing her go was very hard. My kids struggled with her leaving at the time, but moved on fairly quickly. For me, though, it's been difficult. She was such a sweet little thing and she captivated my heart.

When Candace came, she had nothing. She was in hospital pajamas when we picked her up from the hospital. She had no other clothes or shoes. The hospital gave us a few diapers, a sippy cup and 2 small stuffed animals that Candace clung to. They were the only thing she had that felt like "home" to her.

She wasn't with us long enough for the state to issue a "clothing voucher." A clothing voucher is like a gift card that is set aside specifically for this foster child and has an amount attached to it and a specific store that will accept the voucher. If the foster child is a long-term placement and has no clothing, the state will cover the expense. If the foster child is a short-term placement, they will not. Candace ended up being a short-term placement so she was not provided a clothing voucher.

This is a situation where I was glad that others before me had thought to stockpile some clothes. My mother-in-law has been saving for 15+ years the grandkids' clothes. They have always been boxed and labeled per size and gender (like Girls 2T or Boys 6-9 months). A year ago all of these boxes came to my house to be stored. I have since systematically worked through the boxes - pitching some items that were ripped or stained, selling those that were worth anything at consignment shops or garage sales, and keeping those items that were most practical to re-use.

When we got the call to foster Candace, I was able to immediately pull out some clothes and wash them. By the time we went to the hospital to pick her up, I had a dozen clean outfits for her. As much as I sometimes dislike being the storage house for all those clothes... the hand-me-downs are handy for other kids that come along and I have always thought they would be a perfect thing to have if we ever became foster parents. And now I can attest to that fact!

Although I sent a few outfits home with her when she left, I still had clothes to return to their boxes. I've been putting that off. I also have some paperwork on Candace to file here, which I've been putting off. Somehow closing this short chapter has been more difficult than the other short fostering chapters of my life. Yet attachment is a good thing. Feeling something for Candace is a good thing - she was loved and that is part of what fostering is all about!

UPDATE ON PREVIOUS PLACEMENT:

It is unusual to get an update on how things are going for a previous foster child. However, we did hear recently that things are not going well for CJ - our first ever foster child (you can read more about him and our experience in the earliest logs by clicking on the "Foster Parenting" label on the right sidebar of this blog). When CJ left our home, he was headed for his grandmother's guardianship. However, she was unable to handle him. He has been back in foster care and has gone from one home to another and will soon be placed in a residential treatment facility. Although I'm not terribly surprised, because he was a big handful that we couldn't handle either, I am sad to hear that things are going this way for him. Please join us in praying for him.

OUR MOTIVATION:

I have a picture frame collage hanging in the hall. As each one of our foster children have come into our home, I've taken plenty of pictures (as I do with my own kids). I have printed the best picture of each one and put them in this collage. Just that one picture of each smiling face brings back so many memories of the times we shared together.

We have only had 4 foster children in our home, so far. And yet I stand in awe of how God brought us to the place of welcoming them into our home; how we otherwise would never have met or known these specific children; how we were able to be a small part of their life story and provide glimmers of hope for their lives.

No matter what the future holds for us as far as fostering goes, I am so very thankful for the small role we've played in these children's lives. I count it a privilege to be called a foster parent.

It would be easy to put off fostering for another season of our lives. We could come up with excuses. We have young children already. We could wait until they are older or out of the house. We could wait until we have more income. But two responses come to mind:

James 4:17 says "If anyone then knows the good they ought to do and doesn't do it, it is sin for them." We knew this is what we are called to. We knew God was leading us in this direction, so for us it would've been disobedience and sin to not pursue it.

Also, this quote: "If not us, who? If not now, when?" If not us who have a loving home and room to spare, then who? If not us who have a committed marriage and love children, then who? Do we leave the job of orphan care to others? If not the followers of the very compassionate, loving Christ... then who will take it on? If not now when we are already handling young children and their daily issues and care, then when? When we are too old and lack the energy? When we have downsized our home and no longer have the room? Why put off til tomorrow the good we could do today?

And so we obeyed the call. We stepped out and have seen the first fruits of our labors in fostering. Our lives have been enriched. We've been challenged, but blessed. The path of obedience is rarely easy, but it is one of great blessing as God's grace is upon you for the task. What a wonderful place to be - right where He leads you!

What is God calling you to do? Are you putting it off or embracing the adventure? The time is now! The person is you! Go after it, with His enabling, and see what wonderful things He has in store!

6/4/2011

We said good-bye to little Candace (not her real name) yesterday.

We found out on Thursday that the judge decided on Wednesday to give custody of Candace to her out-of-state relative and to bypass the additional paperwork and time involved in that rather lengthy process. I had a feeling this would happen. Though our caseworker told us initially that Candace would be with us for 1-3 months, I knew there were some reasons why a judge may grant this relative custody sooner rather than later.

We said good-bye to Candace on Friday afternoon. She was with us for 8 days - Friday to Friday.

I will miss the pitter-patter of her little feet as she ran through the house, chasing my kids. I will miss her high-pitched voice and the real words that would occasionally pop out as she was jabbering nonsense. I will miss the pink stuffed doggy that was her constant companion.

She was truly a joy to care for.

As she left both of my kids expressed their sadness. My daughter wondered why she couldn't stay with us forever. My son said that it would not be fun now that the little girl wasn't here to play. I told them that maybe some day God would bring a foster child to our home that could stay forever.

So our 3rd foster placement is over. We had CJ in December for 10 days. We had Chase and Davey in early May for 4 days. And now Candace for 8 days. No long term placements yet. Our state of Indiana is strongly encouraging short term foster care to give them time to find relatives who can become the long term solution for these kids.

We'll see who God brings our way next.

5/28/2011

I've said it before and I'll say it again - life can change in an instant. One phone call can change everything.

Yesterday, we received a call from our caseworker. There was an 18-month old girl in the hospital that needs a foster home for probably 1 to 3 months. There's a relative in another state who is seeking guardianship, but the process is lengthened due to the out-of-state paperwork involved. Of course, anything could happen so we're just taking it a day at a time.

Yesterday afternoon we went to the hospital and met this little one that we'll call Candace (not her real name - we are forbidden by state policies to post names or facial pictures of foster children). We returned in the late evening when she was officially discharged into our care.

This little girl is adorable. Blond, blue-eyed, but so tiny. She has not been offered healthy food, so she's very small - about 17 pounds, at 18 months of age.

So far, she sleeps great but won't eat much at all.

Our goals: love on her as much as possible and fatten her up! :-)

5/26/2011

Last Friday night we received a call. The clock read 10:41 pm. It was our foster placement worker.

"I have a 4-year-old boy that we need to find a place for. Not sure how long it'll be. There's also a baby sibling, but the baby is in the hospital with broken bones right now. Won't be released for a day or two. There's also a 1-year-old sibling, but that child is going with the father. Different fathers of the different kids, you know. So do you think you could take the 4-year-old at this point and possibly the baby?"

Whoa! Slow down.

A baby, with broken bones?! Let me just stop and think about that, feel that for a minute. A baby. Abused to the point of broken bones. Oh my! And a 4-year-old brother who likely witnessed the abuse. And may be abused as well.

These are moments when your eyes fill with tears, your heart skips a beat and you remind yourself to breathe. My heart was filled with compassion for these children. I cannot even imagine what they have lived through and their short lifetimes.

And yet, I told her that we could not take them.

This was less than 10 hours from when my daughter and I were headed to Girl Scout camp for the weekend and I was a chaperone. My husband was planning some special alone-time with our son. The timing was off. We had obligations we couldn't back out of. Yet if that same call came a few days later, we absolutely would have said yes.

Compassion. Heart-strings. Wisdom. Counting the cost. Wanting to say yes but knowing that you can't handle that reality at this moment.

So we have turned down a foster care placement... for the second time. It is not easy. I doubt it will get any easier.

From the beginning of our foster parenting journey, I have mentioned this prayer request - for wisdom in the moment when we get these calls. You have approximately 10 seconds to weigh both sides and make a decision, to pray for a clear answer. To make a decision that will impact your family and these foster children for possibly a lifetime. You have 10 seconds to think it through. In this situation, it wasn't the foster kids that affected the decision at all (they're too old, too young, too this or too that) but rather it was our family's plans. It was our personal reasons that had nothing to do with those kids.

This is part of the reality of foster parenting. We wait for months and don't get any calls. For most of the fall and spring, I have kept our calendar clear and not committed to much. As of April we decided that we couldn't put life on hold while we waited for a call that seemed to never come. So we started doing things again - taking field trips, joined Girl Scouts, planned a few camping trips for the summer. Now I'm wondering again about balance - how much is enough, how much is too much. Obviously we don't want to be so busy that we continually say no to foster placements, yet we have to live life with the kids we have and make some plans.

Foster parenting. It's a new reality. We're still adjusting to it.

5/13/2011

As I mentioned in Log #10, a foster parent’s life can change in an instant. That was the case on Monday when we got “the call” that ended in two young boys becoming our first foster siblings.

And then a phone call changed things again on Wednesday evening.

There had been a court hearing on Wednesday afternoon. The judge decided to grant custody of all 4 children (the 2 boys staying with us and the 2 sisters who were with another foster family) to a grandparent. We were informed of this later on Wednesday. The children would be picked up at 11:00 am on Thursday morning.

We spent Thursday morning preparing the boys for this move (as much as possible for a 4-year-old and 1-year-old). We packed up their clothes and included a few extras for them – books they enjoyed while with us, some pictures they’d colored, etc. And at 11:00 we waved good-bye to them as they were off.

Their visit was very short. The judge’s decision even surprised the caseworker, who anticipated the kids being in foster care for a minimum of 2 weeks. However, the judge did what he felt was in the best interest of the children, based on their current situation and that of their parents and grandparents. Our role and the caseworker’s role is to help carry out the judge’s orders.

I certainly hope that the boys are going to a safe, healthy environment with their grandparent. Being with family is the ideal situation.

My daughter was sad to see them go. She asked many questions about why they had to leave and why they had been in foster care at all. But once I explained to her how much more comfortable they will be with a grandparent versus complete strangers (us), she could understand.

But if our "Chase" and "Davey" ever end up in foster care again, we wouldn’t have to think twice about taking them in.

Monday evening through Thursday morning. A very short time.

But we are foster parents. We are listed as both traditional and emergency foster parents. That means that we will take in kids who need long-term care, short-term care or anything in between. It means that we say yes to those who need a place to stay tonight but might be somewhere else tomorrow night as well as those who may be with us for days, weeks or even months.

Foster care is a crazy system. It’s hard to anticipate what might happen with foster kids from day to day, from a judicial case perspective. Judge’s can give grace to parents who have failed many times but still want to fight for their kids or they can terminate parental rights when they think that is in the best interest of the children. Parents may initially try to fight, but later give up or appear to not want to fight for their kids only to decide at the last minute that they want to do what is necessary to win them back. Or an extended family member steps in and is willing to be a guardian for the children. Cases seem to move to one side – maybe towards adoption – only for the tide to then turn back to parental rights and visits and reunification. They are dynamic, not static. You cannot anticipate the direction a case might move. The information available changes. The people involved change. The kids change. The judge’s perspective may change. So many variables that affect the outcome. Yet, the end goal is the same – to provide a healthy, safe, stable environment for children.

So we do our part to be a safe place for kids when they need us.

And we wait for the next call that will change everything once again.

PS: I want to say "thank you" to all of those who support us in what we're doing - we have many people praying for us and offering help in many ways. So if you, dear reader, are one of those behind-the-scenes helpers, thank you!