8/10/2011

As of Monday night, we have two new foster children in our home.

I hadn't published anything here, but we have actually turned down 2 foster placements in the last month. One was simply too soon after our miscarriage and we said no in order to allow ourselves more time to grieve. The second time was simply a bad fit for our family, with the ages of the children so we said no.

On Monday the call was for the placement of a 2-year-old girl and 4-year-old girl, only to find out later that the 2-year-old was a boy. Regardless, we said yes.

The 4-year-old girl, whom I will call Amy on this blog (not her real name), has some developmental delays from a car accident she was involved in a few years ago. She wears diapers. She doesn't speak much and is generally slow in understanding and learning.

The 2-year-old boy, whom I will call Jason on this blog (not his real name), is all boy. He will turn 3 this week, so he is close in age to my son. He wants to run, jump, hit, throw, climb and get into general mischief - like most boys his age!

I am always amazed at how much you can learn about a child's parents/upbringing by observing the child's behavior, words and mannerisms. These two children were obviously cussed at regularly. Therefore I have been called more swear words in the last 48 hours than I care to count. These children were left to fend for themselves, so they will try to get their own food from the fridge and fill up cups from the faucet. They hear commands (like "please pick up the toys") but have no reason to act on what they hear (so they don't pick up the toys, but walk away and do something else entirely). They have no manners but are used to being barked at, so that is what they are repeating. "Come here!" "Give me that!"

On the lighter side of things, my 8-year-old daughter is quite unfamiliar with swear words. So upon hearing the kids screaming some of their curses, she said "Are they even speaking English?"

This placement will be short-term, but we don't know how short-term yet. We anticipate one month or less, but we know from past experience that things can change quickly with foster care.

If you're inclined to pray for us, we would appreciate it.
*Pray for Amy and Jason as they adjust to living in our home (new rules, new place, new people, etc)
*Pray for our family as we adjust to having these two with us
*Pray for Amy and Jason's family - especially their parents to get things together and work towards reunifying their family
*Pray for God's strength and wisdom for all involved
*Pray for God to be glorified through us and through these circumstances, because bringing Him glory is our purpose in all of life.

More to come on how things progress with these two as the days go by.

7/28/2011

One month ago today I knew something was terribly wrong.

One month ago tomorrow we lost our baby boy in a miscarriage.

I can't believe it's been a month. I can't believe the ups and downs.

What am I feeling?

• Guilt. Mothers who miscarry are bound to feel guilt and ask questions like "What did I do wrong?" or "Should I not have gone for that bike ride?" or "Did I eat something I shouldn't have?" My head knows that I did not cause my baby's death, but sometimes the questions still come.
• Sadness. I know where my baby is and I know he feels no pain or sadness. But I remain here on earth with a very deep sorrow. My heart remains broken. Tears flow freely and often.
  
• Grief. I simply grieve over what will never be. These weeks when we were planning to "make the big announcement" are filled with anything but excitement. The maternity clothes that I will not be needing now. The cradle that will never hold this little one. My daughter and my son that will never know, on earth anyway, their little brother. The plans for what the rest of 2011 would hold and the joy of a January 2012 baby... simply were not meant to be.
• Fatigue. I am tired. I lack energy. I lack motivation. I don't sleep well at night. I could easily stay in my jammies all day and never leave the house at all.
• Misunderstood. Nobody seems to understand me these days. Each of us grieves in our own personal way. And as the mother of this baby, I feel the grief more deeply than anybody else. It's hard for me to express that grief and impossible for anyone else to fully understand what I'm going through. I tend to just distance myself from others rather than trying to explain myself to them.
  

7/21/2011

It's been 3 weeks since our miscarriage.

The most difficult question to answer is "How are you doing?"

Some days are fine. Life goes on, almost as if nothing happened. My kids keep me busy. After some of these days, I almost convince myself that the grief is over and I've moved on.

Other times, though, the pain is just under the surface. The tears are immediate upon being asked the question. The grief is overwhelming. Life goes on, but nothing is the same.

Here's what I've learned: grief comes in waves and you never know when it's coming to crash over you. Grief ebbs and flows.

My heart remains broken. I continue to rely on the Lord to bring healing to my brokenness.

I'll close with these verses from Lamentations 3:21-24: Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness! I say to myself "The Lord is my portion, therefore I will wait for Him."

He is my only hope for comfort and mercy in my time of sorrow.