7/28/2011

One month ago today I knew something was terribly wrong.

One month ago tomorrow we lost our baby boy in a miscarriage.

I can't believe it's been a month. I can't believe the ups and downs.

What am I feeling?

• Guilt. Mothers who miscarry are bound to feel guilt and ask questions like "What did I do wrong?" or "Should I not have gone for that bike ride?" or "Did I eat something I shouldn't have?" My head knows that I did not cause my baby's death, but sometimes the questions still come.
• Sadness. I know where my baby is and I know he feels no pain or sadness. But I remain here on earth with a very deep sorrow. My heart remains broken. Tears flow freely and often.
  
• Grief. I simply grieve over what will never be. These weeks when we were planning to "make the big announcement" are filled with anything but excitement. The maternity clothes that I will not be needing now. The cradle that will never hold this little one. My daughter and my son that will never know, on earth anyway, their little brother. The plans for what the rest of 2011 would hold and the joy of a January 2012 baby... simply were not meant to be.
• Fatigue. I am tired. I lack energy. I lack motivation. I don't sleep well at night. I could easily stay in my jammies all day and never leave the house at all.
• Misunderstood. Nobody seems to understand me these days. Each of us grieves in our own personal way. And as the mother of this baby, I feel the grief more deeply than anybody else. It's hard for me to express that grief and impossible for anyone else to fully understand what I'm going through. I tend to just distance myself from others rather than trying to explain myself to them.