7/7/2011

One of the hardest parts of miscarrying a baby is telling people what happened. A conversation that was supposed to be so happy and exciting as you shared the "we're pregnant" news turns into a terrible, tear-filled message that you wish you didn't have to share.

The temptation to just stay silent is great. But to silently suffer with overwhelming grief is more than any person is meant to bear. People are made for community. We are made for sharing joys and burdens. Rejoice with those who rejoice. Weep with those who weep.

We chose to tell. We phoned and personally told our parents and other close friends. I've shared in a Facebook post and I've shared on this blog. As hard as it is to share, there is healing that comes from the comfort of friends. There is healing in the power of prayer offered up by those who love us and who feel for what we're going through. And somehow there is healing even in just getting it out there in the open and not trying to hide the pain, but exposing it.

Because we shared, we have had friends bring us meals or send flowers. We have been given hugs by dozens of friends and family members... and those hugs have been healing, let me tell you! Because we shared, I have heard from many friends that they too have suffered a miscarriage. If I hadn't shared, I never would've known.

The hardest people to tell were those who would've been most excited about our pregnancy news. Calling my mom was extremely difficult because I had been so excited to share with her that we were expecting. I had come up with a neat poem for the occasion. Telling my daughter was also hard. We weren't sure how or when to tell her, but a few days after the miscarriage it just seemed like the right time. So I told her everything. She was devastated. She cried. She wailed. She took it very hard, as I knew she would. She would've been ecstatic to look forward to a baby in 7 more months.

Even so, I'm glad we told. I'm glad that we don't have this as a painful secret. I'm glad that we can be surrounded by those who love us and are supporting us and praying for us.

There is something about being vulnerable, about sharing our pain and weakness that makes us fertile soil for God's healing and peace.

I am certainly not an expert on miscarriage or coping skills. But I do know that there are 3 things we have done that have helped us heal. I would recommend these 3 things to anyone who suffers a miscarriage.

1. If possible, save your baby's remains and give your baby a proper burial. Burial is like a symbolic handing over of your child to the arms of God. For us, this was probably the height of our grief but also provided some closure. We buried our child in a place that is meaningful for us, where we can visit as often as we'd like.

2. Give your child a name. It's hard to grieve for an un-named genderless person. If you had any sense that the baby was a boy, go with that. If a girl, then go with that. And choose a name for that baby. A name helps provide some focus. If you have any ultrasound pictures of your baby, consider putting together a scrapbook page or two for him or her. Consider writing a poem or drawing something special for your baby. Save that.

3. Tell others what you're going through. Don't suffer silently. If not publicly, at least consider sharing your news with some close friends. We need each other, especially in the hard times.