10/10/2011

This Wednesday will mark 16 weeks since we miscarried our baby. I can't help my mind from going to the "what if" questions. How would life be different right now if we hadn't lost the baby? I would have been 24 weeks along now. I wonder how this pregnancy would've compared to my other two. My almost 4-year-old son was HUGE in utero and weighed over 11 pounds at birth. Would this baby have been a big boy too? I have so many "wonders."

This past Sunday was the first time in 16 weeks that I've attended a worship service and not wept while singing praise to the Lord. I still couldn't sing all the words, as some are just painful and some are just too distant from what I'm feeling. But I can feel His love for me again and that is improvement. Sometimes just soaking that in and being silent before Him is what I need.

Now that it's been a few months since our miscarriage, we are past what most people consider a "normal" amount of time for grieving. The common vibe we get now is "Haven't you moved on yet?" or "You're still struggling with THAT?" I'll say again that these sentiments don't show care or concern for what the grieving person is going through. These aren't going to help the person at all, but rather will make them feel as though there is something wrong with them for still grieving, still aching, still feeling their loss. People grieve differently and it's all OK. My grief is affected by so many other factors as well, such as the fact that conceiving doesn't happen easily for us, the fact that we've stepped down from foster parenting recently too, etc.

I am still so glad, though, that we have made our lives an open book, letting people know about our loss. Just last week a new acquaintance was talking about two miscarriages she suffered a few years ago. I was able to express sympathy over her losses and tell her about our recent experience. There is healing in sharing, talking, being honest about the feelings.

Healing. Time. Processing through. Grieving. Feeling deeply. Moving forward but never forgetting.