Miscarriage and Despair

Posted by My Heart Song

10/22/2012

I have to get something off my chest, so here goes:

I HATE OCTOBER! 

There. I said it. I feel better. And I do apologize to those of you who have a birthday this month or who just love this month. I'm not saying everyone should hate October, I just find myself with more than one compelling reason to dread this month. 

When I was a child, our family experienced a serious tornado in the month of October. Half of my family was home and half were outside, doing farm chores. I was home. The quick run to the basement, the power going out, the sound of glass breaking, the emotions of knowing that my dad and two brothers were outside in this mess somewhere... obviously that is enough to scare a person. Thus, I began to hate October. 

I've always found the Halloween spookiness to be ugly, not funny. I didn't understand as a child (nor do I now as an adult) why people would choose to put spooky monster things or ghosts or corpses around their house or yard at this time of year. The shortened days, the rainy nights, the once-beautiful leaves that have turned blah. It all looks dreary, dismal, and dark. I hate it. I hate October.

A few years ago, my parents divorced. Although I was an adult and not living at home any longer, I was devastated. I needed counseling to help work through issues and grieve my parents' failed marriage. Their divorce was finalized in October. Yet another reason for my feelings.

Enter my current season of life. In the last week I've experienced more bad things that make me again wish this month could just be over with already. One of my miscarried children - Hope - was due in October. During the same week that she was due to be born, I miscarried another baby - Isaac. Double whammy against the month of October. 

When I found out I was pregnant back in February and due in October, I thought I knew what God was up to. He knew how much I hated October. He knew about the previous experiences. I thought for sure that He was going to give us a baby in October to "redeem" the month for me, to bring beauty and goodness back to a month that is the antithesis of good things for me. Instead of October 2012 turning out that way, though, it has led to more reasons to bury my head in the sand for the 31 days of October. I still hate, hate October maybe more now than ever.

I know that my emotions are out of whack. Feel free to use this post as an example of a grieving mother making no sense or exaggerating unnecessarily or just ranting against the world. 

How I wish God would redeem October. 
How I wish I could see beauty this month and every month. How I wish to see Him move. 
How I wish October didn't hold memories of death, destruction and despair.

Obviously, I need healing in more ways than one. Maybe I just need eyes to see what God is doing. Would you pray with me, for me? For eyes to see. For healing of my heart to feel goodness again. For physical healing, for emotional healing. 

God, be God even in October. Be Lord over the darkness, dreariness and despair. Redeem October for good. Amen.