Miscarraige: Two Weeks Later, An Update
10/30/2012
Tomorrow will be the 2 week mark since I held a baby much like this one in my hand.
So tiny... our little Isaac.
Yet, so intricately formed.
Each time I've miscarried, Psalm 139:13-16 has flooded my mind.
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of theearth.Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of theearth.Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
And yet each time I've just wanted to scream, "God! You're not done knitting yet! You began a good work. Is it done!? The days ordained for this one are already done?"
I am thankful that with this miscarriage we had an ultrasound picture of our baby. That is more than we had with our previous miscarriages. This time we have at least one picture of our Isaac healthy, heart-beating, alive and well in the womb.
I am also very thankful for a particular group of ladies that have encircled my family with love, prayers and support during this time. These gals have gone out of their way to care for me, for us, in practical ways. I am amazed at how God brought them into my life at just the right time. He knew what I would need before I did and He provided before I knew there was a need.
I continue to struggle in two main ways.
GUILT
With each miscarriage, I've carried around guilt. Always wondering if I did something wrong, if I should've taken it easier, if I caused my baby's death. I know it's irrational and everybody (including doctors) says that there's no reason to feel guilty. Yet, it remains. And now with my third miscarriage, the guilt is even worse. Now there is greater likelihood that there is something wrong with me, that my body is doing something to kill my babies.
GOD
My other big struggle is with God. He feels distant. I feel angry. My feelings say that God is not for me, but against me. I feel betrayed. I try to combat these lies in my head with Scripture and Truth. This is the battle I am fighting currently.
I appreciate your prayers. I know that many are standing with me in prayer. I know that I will come through this, but that doesn't make the day-to-day steps through this valley any easier. Right now it's hard. Right now I'm hurting. Right now I miss my babies.
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