10/29/2012 

After each of my miscarriages, I've find myself devouring books. This is due in part to needing to rest more, to relax and let my body heal... lending itself to more time for reading. But it's also partly due to my search for others who have been through loss, others who can relate to my pain and remind me that I'm not alone. 

After my most recent miscarriage, a friend who has been through miscarraige herself suggested two books to me. I immediately looked for them at my local library. They only had one, so I quickly checked it out and read it within 3 days. The book was Choosing to See by Mary Beth Chapman.

Mary Beth Chapman is the wife of Christmas musician Steven Curtis Chapman. They lost a young daughter in a tragic car accident a few years ago. To make the situation even harder, it was their own teenage son who was driving the car that struck and killed their young daughter. 

Reading this book challenged me, but also gave me permission to feel some of the emotions that are common (but not "respectable) to feel during times of loss. I found Mary Beth Chapman to be very transparent and vulnerable with her emotions, her own need for medicine to help manage her depression, and her struggles with God. On a totally separate note, this book reveals the Chapmans' heart for adoption and orphan care, which is near to my heart too.

This is a book I'd recommend to others going through the grief process, especially for Christians who are trying to reconcile God's will with tragic life circumstances. 

I'm reminded of 2 Corinthians 3-4: "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." God can use others, like Mary Beth Chapman, to share their story and share the comfort they have received in order to comfort others, like me. I thank Him for the ways He can reach us, speak to us, comfort us.  
 
This book was the first support I felt, the first tool God used this time around to hold me up when I felt like collapsing. 

10/23/2012

I feel like a miner searching for gold, as I pull out my Bible these days. I am hungry for a Word from the Lord to speak to my dry heart. Here are a few of the verses that God has spoken to me, to encourage me the last few days. 

He led me to Isaiah. 

Isaiah 44:3-5 - The Lord says: Do not be afraid. I will water dry ground. I will pour My Spirit on your offspring and bless your descendents. 

Thank You, God, for water on dry ground, for Your blessing, for Your Spirit!

Isaiah 49:14-25 - I think: the Lord has forgotten me! He responds NO...  Look around, your sons gather and come to you. You will wear them as an ornament... Those who hope in Me will not be disappointed... Your children will I save.

Thank You, God, for remembering me. Thank You for saving my children!

Isaiah 54:13 - All your sons will be taught by the Lord and great will be your children's peace.

Thank You, God, that my miscarried children will be students of Yours and live in great peace. Incredible!

Isaiah 57:18-19 - "I will guide him and restore comfort to him, creating praise on the lips of mourners. Peace, peace to those far and near. I will heal them," says the Lord.

Thank You, God, for the day when praise will be on the lips of this mourner. Thank You for healing.

Isaiah 8:22-9:1-2 - Some see only distress, darkness and fearful gloom. There will be no more gloom for those in distress. Those walking in darkness have seen a great light. On those living in the land of the shadow of death, a light has dawned.

Thank You, God, for being Light in darkness. Thank You that I can have hope that a light will dawn, even if right now I'm living in the land of the shadow of death. 

A friend shared these verses from Psalm 6 (The Message paraphrase): Please God, no more yelling, no more trips to the woodshed. Treat me nice for a change; I'm so starved for affection. Can't you see I'm black-and-blue, beat up badly in bones and soul? God, how long will it take for you to let up? Break in, God... I'm tired of all this - so tired. My bed has been floating for days and nights on the flood of my tears. My mattress is soaked, soggy with tears.

Thank You, God, for being big enough to hear me out when I'm angry, sad, complaining, and just plain tired. Then You for collecting my tears and not letting one of them go unnoticed or wasted.  

Another friend shared these verses from Lamentations, which have been a comfort to me after each of my miscarriages. Lamentations 3:21-24, 31-33: This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope. Through the Lord's mercies, we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "Therefore I hope in Him!" ...  For the Lord will not cast off forever. Though He causes grief, yet He will show compassion according to the multitude of His mercies. For He does not afflict willingly, nor grieve the children of men. 

Thank You, God, for your mercy and compassion. You alone are our hope for this life and the next. 


Next stop: looking up some more verses about heaven. Found Isaiah 11:6-9 where it pictures the wolf laying with the lamb, an infant playing with a cobra and being unharmed. 

My 4-year-old son often asks me to tell him about heaven. He enjoys hearing about the no tears, no hurting, streets of gold, glassy crystal sea, and especially about Jesus building a place for us (he's a boy and thus loves all things related to building, from tools to layout and everything in between). It does my heart good to talk about heaven with him too, to be reminded of what awaits us and how heaven will last infinitely longer than our time on earth. 

Yes, even in the midst of grief, I am finding gracelets (those little drops of grace that remind me that God is there, that He cares). Even in despair, He is bringing His Word to mind to speak care and compassion to my soul.  

Thank You, God! 

10/22/2012

I have to get something off my chest, so here goes:

I HATE OCTOBER! 

There. I said it. I feel better. And I do apologize to those of you who have a birthday this month or who just love this month. I'm not saying everyone should hate October, I just find myself with more than one compelling reason to dread this month. 

When I was a child, our family experienced a serious tornado in the month of October. Half of my family was home and half were outside, doing farm chores. I was home. The quick run to the basement, the power going out, the sound of glass breaking, the emotions of knowing that my dad and two brothers were outside in this mess somewhere... obviously that is enough to scare a person. Thus, I began to hate October. 

I've always found the Halloween spookiness to be ugly, not funny. I didn't understand as a child (nor do I now as an adult) why people would choose to put spooky monster things or ghosts or corpses around their house or yard at this time of year. The shortened days, the rainy nights, the once-beautiful leaves that have turned blah. It all looks dreary, dismal, and dark. I hate it. I hate October.

A few years ago, my parents divorced. Although I was an adult and not living at home any longer, I was devastated. I needed counseling to help work through issues and grieve my parents' failed marriage. Their divorce was finalized in October. Yet another reason for my feelings.

Enter my current season of life. In the last week I've experienced more bad things that make me again wish this month could just be over with already. One of my miscarried children - Hope - was due in October. During the same week that she was due to be born, I miscarried another baby - Isaac. Double whammy against the month of October. 

When I found out I was pregnant back in February and due in October, I thought I knew what God was up to. He knew how much I hated October. He knew about the previous experiences. I thought for sure that He was going to give us a baby in October to "redeem" the month for me, to bring beauty and goodness back to a month that is the antithesis of good things for me. Instead of October 2012 turning out that way, though, it has led to more reasons to bury my head in the sand for the 31 days of October. I still hate, hate October maybe more now than ever.

I know that my emotions are out of whack. Feel free to use this post as an example of a grieving mother making no sense or exaggerating unnecessarily or just ranting against the world. 

How I wish God would redeem October. 
How I wish I could see beauty this month and every month. How I wish to see Him move. 
How I wish October didn't hold memories of death, destruction and despair.

Obviously, I need healing in more ways than one. Maybe I just need eyes to see what God is doing. Would you pray with me, for me? For eyes to see. For healing of my heart to feel goodness again. For physical healing, for emotional healing. 

God, be God even in October. Be Lord over the darkness, dreariness and despair. Redeem October for good. Amen.