2/24/2012

This is another of those blog posts that I never wanted to write.

Yesterday I miscarried a baby, for the second time. It was all eerily familiar, in an unwanted way.

We had known for about 2 weeks that we were expecting. We were thrilled. After our years of infertility and our miscarriage last summer, we were elated to be pregnant again. There is a 4 year gap between my two living children. And it was 4 years again before we conceived the baby we lost last summer. After that, we wondered if it would be 4 years again before we could conceive. We were so very excited to know that we could conceive again, after a relatively short amount of time.

Yet, since finding out about the pregnancy, I've been holding my breath. What if it happened again? What if we lose this baby? It couldn't happen again... could it? I was so cautious. I didn't want to do ANYTHING that might cause a problem with this pregnancy (not that I caused the last miscarriage, but just in case, I wanted to be extra careful). I started drinking more water. I made sure to take those prenatal vitamins each day. I did nothing vigorous or intense.

But, as I've seen again and again, I'm not in control. Despite my attempts to be cautious and careful, it still happened. I started bleeding and knew immediately what was coming next. This is now, unfortunately, a path I've been down before. Within 24 hours, I went from sharing the pregnancy news with a good friend and celebrating with ice cream to a dead baby and an empty womb.

My husband and I felt that this baby was a girl. We had referred to her as our "spark of hope" during the pregnancy. Now we officially named her Hope. We buried her near her brother Grant. My two babes in heaven together.

My heart is numb. I haven't even had a really good cry yet. I am exhausted, drained and spent.

My hope remains. God is good. God remains faithful. Heaven is nearer than ever.

Praise to the Lord, the Almighty, the King of both heaven and earth. Thank You, Lord, that I can know that my children are alive and well with You. I can know that I will see them and spend eternity with them in Your glorious presence. That is my hope and confidence.

In the meantime, your prayers and shows of support are appreciated as our family struggles through this valley of death once again.