11/20/2012

I've suffered three miscarriages. Each time is different. The emotions are similar, but never exactly the same. However, each time the Lord has given me a song that really spoke to me right where I was. I thought I'd share here a few of those songs, that might encourage others going through a season of loss or heartbreak. 

 
Held by Natalie Grant is "my song" this time around. It touches me. To me, this is my song related to losing Baby Isaac last month.

 
Blessings by Laura Story was "my song" last time around, when I lost Baby Hope in February. This song reminded me that God can use hard times to shape us, to make us better... even though we wish there was some other way. 


Lastly, Blessed Be Your Name by Matt Redman has been a favorite song for many years. It was "my song" when I became pregnant with my son in 2007 after years of infertility. I felt as though I'd gone through "that desert place" and was now in the "land where abundance flows." I was praising God. And this is the same song that became "my song" when I miscarried Baby Grant in June of 2011. Coming to the place of again praising the Lord "who gives and takes away" was my biggest struggle, but also my biggest breakthrough. This song still speaks to me whenever I hear it. 

There are certainly other songs that can uplift and encourage during difficult times. Now that I've shared mine, do you have favorites?  

11/15/2012

This week I've been coming to peace with God's plans. I'm not there yet, but I'm taking some baby steps in that direction. 

I had my plans. Get married in my 20s. Have a handful of children. Be a stay-at-home mom. Live a wonderful life with my family. Of course, all roses and happiness. 

Now I'm 35. Some of my plans worked out as planned. Others, not so much. 

What do I do with the dissonance? What do you do with it in your life? 

This week, I came across the story shared here.

I can relate in some ways to that author. We make plans. We have hopes and dreams. We can work towards them, but sometimes there are things totally out of our control. None of us plan for suffering, death, disease or stress. Yet these find their way into our reality.

As one who has struggled for nearly a decade now with infertility, I always chuckle inside when I hear the word "birth control." At some levels, people can "control" conception but in other ways, it is totally in God's hands. People who don't want to conceive sometimes do and people who do want to conceive don't always. How much are we really in control? Especially in areas of life and death, we have to admit that ultimately we don't have as much control as we think we do.

So, there is a disconnect between what we hope for, what we dream, what we plan for, and reality. It means that dreams sometimes die. It means that plans fall through. We need a Plan B and sometimes a Plan C. We somehow have to be ok with life not turning out as we'd like. 

I know God is working in my heart, to bring a super-natural peace. There's a small glimmer there and I thank God for it. I can trust Him even when I don't understand, even when I don't really like His plan as much as I would've liked my own plans. I can trust that some day I may understand His ways and see good come out from the twists and turns of His plans for my life. For now, I'm just working on acceptance and peace. 

Your prayers are still very much appreciated, friends! 

11/13/2012

Recently I heard about this book and was intrigued. The book is called 7 An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess written by Jen Hatmaker. The book is Jen's personal story of fighting back against our culture's love of money, greed, materialism and excess in almost every part of life! 

She set aside 7 months. She located 7 areas of excess and focused on each one for one intense month. Her 7 areas were: food, clothes, spending, media, possessions, waste and stress. 

Here's a brief video that explains what the book and the experiment are all about.
 

 
Her approach was radical, for sure. However, I find myself drawn to the simplicity of what she was getting at. The focus was not on what she was giving up, it was on what she was gaining. What was the payoff? A more simple life, with actual TIME and SPACE for God to show up. Living a generous life and realizing it is a better way to live.

This book challenged my thinking. I know that my family is poor by some American standards and yet based on the rest of the world, my family is wealthy beyond measure. We own a vehicle, a home, and have never missed a meal. That alone puts us in a category of wealth. If you're reading this, you are rich too! 

Yet, we act selfishly, always seeking more for ourselves and acting without regard for those who truly have needs. We (I) so misunderstand "wants" and "needs." My kids think they need more toys. I think I need or deserve new clothes. We need camping items or vacation time. These are luxuries that most of the world can truly not afford because they are busy seeking basic needs - food, clothing, housing. We are looking for Christmas gifts while they are looking for their next meal. The author refers to this as "blessing the already blessed" and I have latched onto that. We give gifts and think we're helping each other out. But all we're doing is blessing the already blessed. We're giving more stuff to people who already have more than enough stuff. While others who have NOTHING continue on without hope. How did our world get so mixed up?!

So I am challenging myself to live differently in the ways that I can. We're purging, giving away more things. Clothes are going to our church clothing pantry, offered for free to anyone who needs them. My Christmas list is getting pared down. What I really want this Christmas - is for family members to donate money to a charity of their choice and then tell me about it. Why did they pick that one? Tell me about the great work the charity is doing and I will rejoice! The needs of the world far outweigh my wants. 

The other area in which 7 challenged me was prayer and stress. Author Jen Hatmaker spent 1 month focusing on this issue. She paused to pray 7 times each day. She outlined a different focus for each of those 7 prayer times. She gave Bible passages that relate to the focus. For example, first thing in the morning is the Waking Hour, when we focus on a clean slate, new chances, fresh mercy for this new day, resurrection, praise and celebration. Psalm 19, Psalm 95 and Psalm 147 relate to these areas. I have found this approach to be challenging (and hard to do all 7) but also rewarding. I don't get down on myself for missing one of the times, but whenever I realize what time it is (as I sit to eat lunch, lay down at night, whatever), I think of the focus for that period of time. I pray. I hand my burdens over to the Lord. I take the focus off myself and pray for others. It's simple. It doesn't have to last hours or even 15 minutes. But it's communion with the Lord, it's turning my heart once again to Truth and Peace. 

So,I recommend this book, but more than the book I recommend self-reflection. I recommend prayer. I recommend stepping back to look at the excess in your life and simply asking God what he thinks about it. Ask Him to give you eyes to see how you and what you have could be a blessing to the world. How could you do with less but live more abundantly?

Happy Friday to you! Smile and make your weekend shine!  

11/5/2012

This book I Will Carry You by Angie Smith was one that a friend recommended to me after our most recent miscarriage. I couldn't find it at our local library. Then I received a care package from someone I'd never met and of all the books they could've included... they included this one.

I read the book in one sitting. I found the story intriguing. To let myself get sucked into another's story of loss, to cry with them over their heartbreak... somehow this helped me to better grieve my own. The author and her husband were expecting their 4th child. During the pregnancy, they learned that their child has some complications and wouldn't live long, if at all. Although they were advised to abort the baby, they chose to carry her to term. Audrey was alive when born and lived for just a few short hours. 

The author is very transparent with her grief and also her hope. She wrote the book not only to chronicle her own journey but to encourage others who are going through devastating loss. 

The book is subtitled "The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy." I have thought of that many times since first hearing it. I feel like my life is a dance between the two. I laugh at my 4-year-old's silly antics. I wipe tears from my eyes as he tells me he doesn't want to talk about babies any more (as much as I wish it weren't so, he's beginning to equate babies with death since that's been the majority of conversations about babies in our home in the last year or so). One moment I'm truly feeling gratitude for what I have, thanking God for this wonderful life. And then my mind can't help but wander to how different life would be if only my family weren't divided between earth and heaven. Nonetheless, I'm learning this dance, between grief and joy, smiles and tears.

In this book, the author shared numerous quotes about suffering, death, eternal life, etc. I liked these specific ones and wanted to share them too. 

"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probably explanation is that I was made for another world"  - C.S. Lewis 

I've heard that one many times. Always loved it. And more and more with each child I've lost, I long for heaven. I realize just how strong is my desire to eternity, for something lasting, for something this world cannot afford me.

"Joy in affliction is rooted in the hope of resurrection, but our experience of suffering also deepens the root of that hope."  - John Piper  

It's true. As much as I wish there could be another way, the lower the valley, the more we appreciate the mountain top. The rain makes the rainbows sweeter. My own suffering has deepened the root of hope in the resurrection, for sure. 

Lastly, I found this word picture by Henry Scott Holland fascinating. 

"I am standing on the seashore. A ship spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the ocean. I stand watching her until she fades on the horizon and someone at my side says, 'She is gone.' Gone where? The loss of sight is in me, not in her. Just at the moment when someone says, 'She is gone,' there are others who are watching her coming. Other voices take up the glad shout, 'Here she comes!' and that is dying."