3/13/2012

It's been almost 3 weeks since miscarriage #2. I haven't been blogging much, but I know people are wondering how I'm doing.

To my surprise, I'm actually coping better than I expected to be.

When I miscarriage last summer, it was devastating at many levels. The grief was worsened by post-partum depression and it took many months to feel like I was out of that pit of despair. This time I haven't experienced the post-partum depression symptoms I had with my other 3 pregnancies. I'm thanking God for that!

I also feel as though I have come to grips with losing a child, so in that way I am not as caught off guard this time around. I knew from the moment the pregnancy test was positive that miscarriage was a very real possibility. My heart immediately began thinking through the "what if it happened again" scenario. My tears of joy were mixed with prayers for protection, for God's will, and for thanks for this new life, no matter what the outcome.

Another reason my grief is different now is perspective. It took 6 months after my last miscarriage for God to change my perspective on death and heaven and eternity, through much wrestling and struggling. I can truly rejoice that my babies are there in heaven, with Him, living in joy and peace and all good things. I have treasures in heaven waiting for me - they are my children! As much as I long for them and wish I had them here on earth to hold, time passes so very quickly. It really won't be long until I can be with them for all eternity. So I can wait patiently until that reunion happens.

I have also seen God's hand of mercy and love on our family. Many friends stepped forward to bring us meals or watch our kids for a few hours as ways of showing their support for us during our grief. This meant more than they could know. The first week after this miscarriage, I was more exhausted and drained than I have ever felt in my life (even after "real" childbirth, believe it or not). My husband was also sick during this time. Having meals brought in was a huge relief and allowed us all to get the extra rest we needed. I thank God for providing people to support us and stand with us in our sorrows.

I do ask that you continue to pray for our family. Grief is a difficult road to travel and it takes many turns. I've mentioned before that grief comes in waves. While I may not be overwhelmed at this moment, the next wave could come at any time. Your prayers for us as we process through our loss are much appreciated.

For now, we trust in God's goodness. We rest in His grace and mercy and love for us. We still have hope. And we look forward all the more to the wonders and joys that await us in His heavenly Kingdom!