Miscarriage and Despair

Posted by My Heart Song

10/22/2012


I have to get something off my chest, so here goes:

I HATE OCTOBER! 

There. I said it. I feel better. And I do apologize to those of you who have a birthday this month or who just love this month. I'm not saying everyone should hate October, I just find myself with more than one compelling reason to dread this month. 

When I was a child, our family experienced a serious tornado in the month of October. Half of my family was home and half were outside, doing farm chores. I was home. The quick run to the basement, the power going out, the sound of glass breaking, the emotions of knowing that my dad and two brothers were outside in this mess somewhere... obviously that is enough to scare a person. Thus, I began to hate October. 

I've always found the Halloween spookiness to be ugly, not funny. I didn't understand as a child (nor do I now as an adult) why people would choose to put spooky monster things or ghosts or corpses around their house or yard at this time of year. The shortened days, the rainy nights, the once-beautiful leaves that have turned blah. It all looks dreary, dismal, and dark. I hate it. I hate October.

A few years ago, my parents divorced. Although I was an adult and not living at home any longer, I was devastated. I needed counseling to help work through issues and grieve my parents' failed marriage. Their divorce was finalized in October. Yet another reason for my feelings.

Enter my current season of life. In the last week I've experienced more bad things that make me again wish this month could just be over with already. One of my miscarried children - Hope - was due in October. During the same week that she was due to be born, I miscarried another baby - Isaac. Double whammy against the month of October. 

When I found out I was pregnant back in February and due in October, I thought I knew what God was up to. He knew how much I hated October. He knew about the previous experiences. I thought for sure that He was going to give us a baby in October to "redeem" the month for me, to bring beauty and goodness back to a month that is the antithesis of good things for me. Instead of October 2012 turning out that way, though, it has led to more reasons to bury my head in the sand for the 31 days of October. I still hate, hate October maybe more now than ever.

I know that my emotions are out of whack. Feel free to use this post as an example of a grieving mother making no sense or exaggerating unnecessarily or just ranting against the world. 

How I wish God would redeem October. 
How I wish I could see beauty this month and every month. How I wish to see Him move. 
How I wish October didn't hold memories of death, destruction and despair.

Obviously, I need healing in more ways than one. Maybe I just need eyes to see what God is doing. Would you pray with me, for me? For eyes to see. For healing of my heart to feel goodness again. For physical healing, for emotional healing. 

God, be God even in October. Be Lord over the darkness, dreariness and despair. Redeem October for good. Amen. 

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Miscarriage: How You Can Help

Posted by My Heart Song

10/19/2012


I'm now on this side of 3 miscarriages. This doesn't make me an expert but it does give me some experience to draw on. Many people wonder "What can I do when my friend experiences a miscarriage?" It's a great question and I wanted to share a few thoughts.

Pray
This is a simple idea but is powerful. Let your friend know you are praying. If you can, commit to pray daily. Ask your friend for specific needs. For example, right now I am hearing lots of lies in my head related to my relationship with God or my guilt (or non-guilt) in causing the miscarriages. I am asking friends to pray for me, to combat the lies, to pray for protection over my mind right now during my grief. Pray for each family member, since each one experiences the grief in different ways. My 4-year-old is dealing with the loss of a baby brother in a different way than I am, than my husband is, or than my 9-year-old daughter is. Pray for each one. If you can, commit to pray for at least a week or two or three. Grief is long-lasting.  Share scripture verses with your friend to encourage them. Contact them often (email, phone, mail, or a combination) to just let them know that you are praying. Above all, just do it. Don't just say you will, but truly spend time in prayer for your friend!

 Practical Helps
Miscarriage is a physical event. There is physical healing that needs to take place. Providing practical help so that your friend can rest is a great show of support. Offer to watch her other children for a few hours so she can rest. Offer to spend some time cleaning her house or just being a "mother's helper" and doing whatever she needs done (laundry, especially if it requires up-and-down stairs; meal prep; cleaning the bathroom - all are difficult to do at this time). Delivering a meal or two is a wonderful way to help your friend get some extra rest too. 

Listening Ear 
If your friend wants to talk, be there to listen. She may NOT want to talk and that's ok. Or she may have lots to share about the experience, how she's processing it, all of her emotions at this time. Either way, let her share whatever she needs to without lots of commentary, suggestions or rebuking. She needs a friend right now. She needs you to listen, to give a hug, but mostly to just be there for her. She doesn't need to hear lots from you. She simply wants to know you're there for her. 

Memorials
One of the most meaningful gifts we were given after one of our miscarriages was a beautiful flowering plant.
Giving a plant or other living memorial to your friend can be a wonderful way to show your support and help your friend remember beauty during sorrow.

Encourage Marriage
The divorce rate is higher than average for parents who lose children. Do whatever you can to encourage your friend's marriage. Give a gift card to a local restaurant for a date night. Ask your friend specifically how the grief process is going for both spouses. Is the grief separating them or are they sharing it, going through the sorrow together? Pray for their marriage and ask if there is anything more specific you can do to help in this area.


Remember
Mark your calendar and remember important days with your friend. The day of the miscarriage will forever be etched in your friend's mind. The baby's due date will also be an important day. Make a note on your calendar and be sensitive to your friend during those times. One of the ways we show we cared about loved ones is to remember them on those special days. To not talk about them or to think that everybody else forgot tells your friend that the miscarried child was not important enough for others to remember. It hurts.  

Give Grace
Losing a child is a life-changing experience. Give some grace to your friend. She may want to back off her involvement in some activities. She may be weepy often. She may seem distant to you. She may simply need time to process through her grief, to gain perspective on life. It's been my experience that God uses grief experiences to teach us realities about heaven and how short this life is, to give us an eternal perspective, to show us what is really important on this earth. Give your friend grace as she goes through her own process of grief. 

Don't Be Afraid to Ask
Most people will say very little to your friend about her grief, especially after the initial "I'm so sorry." Yet most people who are grieving WANT people to ask how they are doing, WANT to talk, WANT someone to show they care. Ask your friend often how she is doing. Ask what she is finding most difficult at this point. Ask if there is one or two practical things that she is finding it hard to keep up with - and then offer to help her! Even if there are tears as she shares, don't let that stop you from asking, showing you care, and supporting your friend. 

Do More
The honest truth is that most "friends" will do very little to help your friend during this time. I challenge you to do more than just say "I'm sorry." Find some other practical way to show your friend that you care. Words are cheap when your friend is hurting. She needs something more - a hug, a card with something hand-written in it, a friend who truly wants to hear how she's doing, a meal, a flower to remember her baby, someone to remember after 1 month (6 months, 1 year) has passed and acknowledge it. 

I've experienced miscarriage three times now. Once I felt very little support and couldn't believe how few real "friends" I had. It was discouraging and probably was part of the reason the grief lasted much longer. I felt alone and isolated. Another time, there was more support shown - more meals delivered, more follow-up. It helped to not feel so alone in my grief. 

Eventually, everybody experiences grief. We all love and we all will experience the loss associated with love. Do what you can to show you care. Live out "do to others what you would have them do to you" and show you are a true friend. The time will come when you need a friend and are in a time of need. You would want people around you to be close, to show they care, to help carry you through. 
Be that kind of friend now!      

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Miscarriage: Another Baby in Heaven

Posted by My Heart Song

10/18/2012
 
This is another one of those posts I wish I never had to write. 

Yesterday, I miscarried our baby, at 9 and 1/2 weeks. 

This baby was a son named Isaac. 

He now joins his brother Grant David and his sister Hope in heaven. 

When we told our 4-year-old son the news that our baby was now in heaven, he said "Now he can dance! Now he can talk with his friends there!" 

Some other friends were praying for us yesterday and their little girl said "That thunder we are hearing? They're having a bowling party in heaven for that new baby that's there, aren't they?"     

 I know heaven is real. I just never knew my heart could be so torn between heaven and earth. 

I'm sure I'll be writing more in the next days and weeks about the topic of miscarriage and answer questions of how we're doing. 

For now, I thank you for praying for us. Please continue. Our hearts are breaking and my mind remains in disbelief. Three babies lost in 16 months time - who can endure it?! Only by the grace and strength of God will we carry on. 
Thanks for praying, friends.   

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Studying the Civil War with Sonlight

Posted by My Heart Song

10/15/2012

My daughter is about 1/3 of the way through her year of 4th grade. We're using a curriculum called Sonlight.
Last year we covered American History from start to just before the Civil War. So far this year our focus has been mostly on the Civil War and it's been fascinating! I will say again that one of my favorite parts of homeschooling is that I learn so much right alongside my children. 


We've read Abraham Lincoln: A Photobiography - a great book to bring President Lincoln to life. This book helped us to see President Lincoln as a regular man, who faced many struggles and sorrows in his life. He really wrestled with the war, wondering if it was right, how it would turn out, if the nation could be whole again and heal from the deep wounds. He struggled through each decision that had to be made a President during such a difficult time.

You can't discuss the Civil War without talking about the issue of slavery. My daughter and I've had some good discussions about the issue of slavery itself, from a moral and biblical approach. The issue of slavery seems so cut-and-dry as far as being very wrong.

Yet the issue behind the issue of slavery is that of state's rights versus federal government involvement. The North wanted the federal government to tell ALL states where to stand on the issue of slavery. The South wanted the states to be able to decide for themselves whether to be slave or free. This discussion is not at all cut-and-dry and still carries on today (just think of the modern issue of whether there should be a constitutional amendment to define marriage as one man and one woman versus each state's right to define marriage for itself). 


We also are reading a book called Across Five Aprils. This book tells the story of a large family who live in the North but have roots in the South. Some family members fight for the Union, but one joins the Confederacy. At least one dies in the fighting. Another family member deserts his post. The book has had me crying more than once, but it accurately portrays what many families experienced during the Civil War - the family being torn, some taking one side and others taking the other side; Mother and younger siblings left at home taking care of crops in the absence of Father and Brothers; the punishment for deserters; the slow speed of news and letters for those on the home front to learn about the battle front.


My daughter was assigned this book to read on her own - The Perilous Road. This book tells the story of the war from the perspective a young boy living in the South. It's the opposite perspective of The Five Aprils book, though my daughter did comment that it was a little confusing to be reading both books at the same time. This made it hard to remember the characters, who was on which side, and to keep the plot straight as there are many similarities between the happenings in the two books.
Overall, I'm very pleased with the Civil War studies we've done with Sonlight. The books are excellent and truly make you feel like you are there, living through it alongside the characters. Learning in this way makes you connect with the issues of the war at a more emotional level, seeing both side of the issues, feeling for those in the North and the South. 

If you ask my daughter, she would say that studying the Civil War makes her sad. Coming from a child that struggles with feeling compassion and empathy... thank you, Sonlight, for allowing us to homeschool in a way that touches the emotions as you learn! 

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Family Photo Friday

Posted by My Heart Song

10/12/2012

It's Friday once again and that means that I post pictures to give you a glimpse into our week.  

My son is quite the drummer. He often grabs pots, pans and bowls to do his drumming.  


He's also quite the fix-it-man. Whenever Dad leaves a tool within reach, he finds a way to put it to use. Here he was working on removing a cupboard door latch. 

I don't have a picture of this, but wanted to document it. My son is learning to read! I've been working with him more on letter sounds and in the last few weeks he's read simple words like am, at, sat, mat. It never gets old to see the world of reading open up to a child!


We worked on this puzzle recently. This puzzle was being offered for free. I'm a sucker for puzzles, so I picked it up and worked on it for a day or two. It was missing 3 pieces = that's why it was free! But to find out that those 3 pieces were missing, we had to do the puzzle. 
And doing puzzles is fun!

Both my kids have shown more interest in working in the kitchen lately. Here they both are working together to make cookies. My daughter has been helping make bread once a week and often pitches in to help with supper prep too. I'm being more intentional about involving her and teaching her how to do more in the kitchen.

Sometimes my husband reminds that I should take pictures of the daily, routine things we do with our kids just to remind us of them when our kids are grown. So, I took this picture of my husband carrying our daughter up to bed. After giving me her good-night hugs-and-kisses, Dad takes our daughter upstairs and tucks her in. That's their time to debrief, talk and pray. 

Happy Friday to you!

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Fall Round-Up

Posted by My Heart Song

10/8/2012



 Some good friends invited us to a Fall Round Up over the weekend. This was an event hosted by their church and it was a very fun idea! 


The invitation read: 
Round up your neighbors and your kin
and head out for some down home fun!
There'll be: 
grub eatin'
music playin'
square dancin'
toe tappin'
wagon ridin'
horseshoe pitchin'
corn holin'
quick-draw shootin'
youngins laughin'
and cider sippin'


 Of course, the kids enjoyed all there was to see and do.


I was pleasantly surprised to run into a few folks from my past at this event. There was a couple there who had allowed me to live in their home for 3 months when I first moved to South Bend from Wisconsin, back in 1997. There was also a former camp director there, whom I knew from my days at Camp Ray Bird in the late 1990s.

I'm thankful for good old fall fun!

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Pregnancy Update - Week 7

Posted by My Heart Song

10/4/2012


This week we had a doctor appointment and ultrasound. Here's our first baby picture of the one we affectionately call Peanut. Peanut is very small still, the size of a small bean. 

The ultrasound confirmed that the pregnancy is progressing as it should. Praise God! 

It also confirmed that I'm not as far along as we thought. My due date has changed from May 9 to May 19. This puts me currently at 7 and 1/2 weeks. 

I have started to experience some morning sickness, which is a wonderful thing. Morning sickness is caused by the increase of pregnancy hormones. I had a lot of morning sickness with my first and second pregnancies, none with the babies I miscarried. I don't know for certain, but it's possible that those miscarriages happened because my body wasn't producing enough of those hormones on its own. This time, my doctor has me on a low-dose of hormones to add to what my body is already producing. And I'm feeling sick... and I'm thankful for that! I take it as a good sign of normal pregnancy. 

Perspectives. 
My husband and kids accompanied me to the doctor visit. 


My 4-year-old son saw this picture of a 4-week old embryo on a chart in the office and said it looked like a striped dinosaur. Sorry, Peanut! 


My 9-year-old daughter was looking at this timeline of pregnancy and said "Ugh! We have to wait 40 whole weeks!" I can relate to that sentiment!

Psalm 126:3 The Lord has done great things for us and we are filled with joy!

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A Tale of Two Incomes

Posted by My Heart Song

10/1/2012


My husband has a full-time job that fits his skill set well and provides great benefits, though the pay is very modest. However, God has enabled us to not only survive but thrive on that income. We regularly thank Him for my husband's work. 

For years I worked as the secretary at our church as a part-time job to help supplement my husband's income. At that time, "my income" was added with "his income" and we thought things were tight. There wasn't much extra. 

Then in 2010 I stepped down from my position at church. We were beginning to do other things - some daycare, then foster-parenting, and simply homeschooling. For most of that time, we did not have any additional income and were forced to learn to live completely on one income. It was great for us - we had a bare bones budget, without much wiggle room but one that fit us just fine. 

 Earlier this year I returned to the secretary position at our church. It's interesting how we're doing things differently this time around. Even though our income is now back to the exact same level it was in 2009 (no, my husband's not had a raise in the meantime), we're treating "my income" as extra money. We have learned how to live on my husband's income alone. Therefore, what I am making is not simply being absorbed into the budget.

 This time around, we're setting specific goals for the extra money. Goal #1 has been achieved - we saved up a substantial emergency fund. Now we're on to goal #2 - pay off long-standing school debt. We set what is for us a big goal - $5,000 - and are aiming to pay at least that much off by April 2013. That will not pay off our debt completely, but it would take a good-sized bite out of the balance. It's a big goal, not an easily achievable one, though still realistic. We're making good progress each month as we are intentional about where the money goes. 

TWO EQUAL INCOMES, TWO DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVES

It's amazing to me how different our situation has looked from these two perspectives. I used to complain that we "needed a bigger shovel" (ie. more income) to dig ourselves out of our debt hole. Now, I see that God has provided what we need and extra. We may not have a huge income, but we can work with what we do have to start making headway. My income used to be absorbed into our budget, leaving us thinking that it was "necessary" and that we couldn't survive without that income. We were wrong. God used the journey we've been on for the last 2 years to teach us many things, one of which was financial. He will provide. He does provide. He already has provided. Sometimes we need our eyes opened to see His provision. Sometimes we need Him to give us creative ways to cut costs, wisdom to make good choices about money, courage to take those first steps towards financial freedom.

 Our long-term financial goal is to have our school loan paid off before my husband turns 40. That will be in 2015 - just 3 years away. Trust me, it's time for these loans to be out of our lives! They've been with us far too long. And although they are under half of what they started out as, we want them gone for good and are setting aside every dollar we can find to put towards this goal.

What are your financial goals? Have you put them on paper and outlined small steps you can take to achieve them? Do it! Even small steps in the right direction are progress!

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