Keeping Track


I'm the type of person who stays on top of everything. 

Something misplaced at home. Ask me, I know where it is.

Husband needs to remember when some important meeting is. Ask me, it's on the calendar

Birthdays. Anniversaries. Special events. All are on the calendar, with reminders posted a few days in advance when necessary. 

Keeping track of everything is important to me. It makes me feel in control. It gives me the illusion that I can't be caught off guard, that I'm as prepared as possible for what might come. 

And keeping track of significant days helps me remember. 

I love my daughter. I wouldn't forget her birthday, because I love her and want to celebrate her life. 

I love my son. I wouldn't forget his birthday, because I love him and want to celebrate his life. 

Keeping track of it all for my earthly children is do-able.  It would be impossible for me to forget a name or birthday.

Keeping track of it all for my heavenly children is harder. Their names don't get mentioned often, though they go through my head regularly. Grant. Hope. Isaac.

Even their "birthdays" aren't days to celebrate and aren't remembered by many. "Birthday" was the day they went to heaven as a tiny baby. Due date was the birthday that wasn't meant to be

Forgetting a child's birthday would be like indicating to that child that they aren't loved or aren't special. 

I put tremendous pressure on myself to remember, to keep track of my heavenly babies. I don't want them to feel unloved. And so dates swarm in my mind, flooding me with emotions of grief and mourning and longing for what is not. 

June 29, 2011
February 5, 2012
February 23, 2012
October 17, 2012 
October 19, 2012
May 19, 2013

I don't want to forget. Yet I feel like I'm sinking in trying to keep track

A peek into the mind of this grieving mama.


marineof2 said...

Your children here and in heaven know they are loved! Revelation 21:4 says 'And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away'. So if you forget the dates, it's ok because your children know you love them! They have God taking care of them. Just know that many tears have been shed for you by your friends, and many prayers have been sent up on your behalf, and they will continue to be sent up! We are only human and imperfect- leave perfection to God. Love and blessing to you my friend!

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