Today marks 2 years since my third miscarriage. October is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. So for those reasons, today I'm remembering my three "other" children - those in heaven already.
Grant David. Hope. Isaac.
I can say that I am healing.
Two years ago I was a mess and at a difficult place with God. I could not understand His purposes in the miscarriages and suffering I was going through. One year ago I was nearing my due date with a healthy pregnancy. And this year I am keeping up with my busy 10-month old daughter, who doesn't afford me a lot of time to sit, think or reflect.
But I am at a better place emotionally. Although October is always a dark, dreary month to me, I have been able to see more bright spots this year. I have been able to enjoy some of the beauty. My focus is shifting.
And I am at a better place with my Lord. I have stopped asking why. I will never know why. Yet time and perspective allow me to see at least a glimpse of good that has come from my suffering and pain. And having a baby in our home has helped bring healing too.
So I am remembering my other three.
I am still sad. I still miss them.
I still long to see them and hold them.
But I am also smiling at my baby girl's antics,
and my 6-year-old son as he almost swallowed a tooth that fell out, and at my beautiful 11-year-old daughter as she roller-skates in the driveway to soak in the last sunshiny warmth of these fall days.
God is good, all the time, because that is His nature.
He can be nothing else.
So when He appears to be something else, it is my perspective that is flawed, not His nature.
1 Corinthians 13 - Now we know in part, but when perfection comes, then we will know fully.
Until that day, when I can hug and kiss and smile at them as we walk together on those streets of gold, I remember and look forward to the day of truly meeting my other three children.