3/27/2012



Here's another wonderful Francis Chan video. It's only 4 minutes but it makes a point that I think about every day, especially after losing my 2 babies through miscarriage. Heaven is my comfort, knowing that this life - the little red part on the rope - is so miniscule by comparison to heaven, eternity, timeless living forever and ever.

We are like grass. We wither and die. Life is fleeting. Life is short. Even if we live to be 100, it's a vapor, a breath, and we're gone. Whatever trials and troubles we face here are momentary, temporary, and light when seen in their proper perspective.

How I long for that world to come! How I long for my faith to be made sight! How I am challenged to live each day that I have here on earth to the fullest - not for my comfort, not for myself, but for God, for His glory, for His will in my life. I certainly don't do it perfectly but I strive for what He has for me, both in this life and in the next.

None of us are promised tomorrow. Are you ready to meet the Lord when you cross that line, from the red part to the rest of eternity forever and ever? You don't have to be afraid. You can have peace and you can rest in God's goodness. Unsure? Read the Bible for yourself and discover the love He has for you and His desire to spend eternity with you.

3/13/2012

It's been almost 3 weeks since miscarriage #2. I haven't been blogging much, but I know people are wondering how I'm doing.

To my surprise, I'm actually coping better than I expected to be.

When I miscarriage last summer, it was devastating at many levels. The grief was worsened by post-partum depression and it took many months to feel like I was out of that pit of despair. This time I haven't experienced the post-partum depression symptoms I had with my other 3 pregnancies. I'm thanking God for that!

I also feel as though I have come to grips with losing a child, so in that way I am not as caught off guard this time around. I knew from the moment the pregnancy test was positive that miscarriage was a very real possibility. My heart immediately began thinking through the "what if it happened again" scenario. My tears of joy were mixed with prayers for protection, for God's will, and for thanks for this new life, no matter what the outcome.

Another reason my grief is different now is perspective. It took 6 months after my last miscarriage for God to change my perspective on death and heaven and eternity, through much wrestling and struggling. I can truly rejoice that my babies are there in heaven, with Him, living in joy and peace and all good things. I have treasures in heaven waiting for me - they are my children! As much as I long for them and wish I had them here on earth to hold, time passes so very quickly. It really won't be long until I can be with them for all eternity. So I can wait patiently until that reunion happens.

I have also seen God's hand of mercy and love on our family. Many friends stepped forward to bring us meals or watch our kids for a few hours as ways of showing their support for us during our grief. This meant more than they could know. The first week after this miscarriage, I was more exhausted and drained than I have ever felt in my life (even after "real" childbirth, believe it or not). My husband was also sick during this time. Having meals brought in was a huge relief and allowed us all to get the extra rest we needed. I thank God for providing people to support us and stand with us in our sorrows.

I do ask that you continue to pray for our family. Grief is a difficult road to travel and it takes many turns. I've mentioned before that grief comes in waves. While I may not be overwhelmed at this moment, the next wave could come at any time. Your prayers for us as we process through our loss are much appreciated.

For now, we trust in God's goodness. We rest in His grace and mercy and love for us. We still have hope. And we look forward all the more to the wonders and joys that await us in His heavenly Kingdom!

2/24/2012

This is another of those blog posts that I never wanted to write.

Yesterday I miscarried a baby, for the second time. It was all eerily familiar, in an unwanted way.

We had known for about 2 weeks that we were expecting. We were thrilled. After our years of infertility and our miscarriage last summer, we were elated to be pregnant again. There is a 4 year gap between my two living children. And it was 4 years again before we conceived the baby we lost last summer. After that, we wondered if it would be 4 years again before we could conceive. We were so very excited to know that we could conceive again, after a relatively short amount of time.

Yet, since finding out about the pregnancy, I've been holding my breath. What if it happened again? What if we lose this baby? It couldn't happen again... could it? I was so cautious. I didn't want to do ANYTHING that might cause a problem with this pregnancy (not that I caused the last miscarriage, but just in case, I wanted to be extra careful). I started drinking more water. I made sure to take those prenatal vitamins each day. I did nothing vigorous or intense.

But, as I've seen again and again, I'm not in control. Despite my attempts to be cautious and careful, it still happened. I started bleeding and knew immediately what was coming next. This is now, unfortunately, a path I've been down before. Within 24 hours, I went from sharing the pregnancy news with a good friend and celebrating with ice cream to a dead baby and an empty womb.

My husband and I felt that this baby was a girl. We had referred to her as our "spark of hope" during the pregnancy. Now we officially named her Hope. We buried her near her brother Grant. My two babes in heaven together.

My heart is numb. I haven't even had a really good cry yet. I am exhausted, drained and spent.

My hope remains. God is good. God remains faithful. Heaven is nearer than ever.

Praise to the Lord, the Almighty, the King of both heaven and earth. Thank You, Lord, that I can know that my children are alive and well with You. I can know that I will see them and spend eternity with them in Your glorious presence. That is my hope and confidence.

In the meantime, your prayers and shows of support are appreciated as our family struggles through this valley of death once again.

2/16/2012

If you're a parent, I know you can relate. The kids are playing nicely for maybe 2 minutes until someone starts crying. "He did this!" "She did that!" They aren't sharing. They aren't being kind. They are exhibiting natural selfish behavior and it drives me nuts as the mom who is called on to intervene a few thousand times each day.

We've implemented numerous strategies over the years to deal with sibling rivalry but none of them have lasted or really helped with the root cause of the behavior... sin and selfishness.

Last month we read through Philippians during our family Bible study time. In chapter 2 verses 3 and 4 say "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility, value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of others." This was a big challenge to me and got me thinking further about how my kids could do this in their relationship with each other.

Recently I read somewhere about teaching your children that everything they do is for someone else. They learn to read and write to be able to teach others some day or to be able to read to their younger siblings, etc. They color a picture in order to share it with someone else and bring a smile to their face. They clean up in order to keep anyone from tripping on toys and to keep mommy happy. It's the idea that everything should be done with someone else in mind, a servant-like mentality.

One day I pondered how this could apply to playtime. It's usually considered to be free-time at our house. A time when school work is done and there is no list of chores waiting to be tackled. The kids are free to simply play. How can this be done with someone else in mind? Is playing naturally a self-centered activity? Hmmm.

Thus was born the "Make Others Happy" game. I've started to tell the kids at the start of playtime that the goal of their play is to make the other one happy. To my daughter, I say "Remember to play whatever your brother wants, however he wants. Make him happy!" And to my son, I say "Play so that your sister is happy. Do what she wants to do!" This way they are both thinking about the other on, looking to the interests of the other instead of just their own interests.

When one does come running with a "He took my toy" or "She knocked down my tower" or whatever... I ask "Are you playing to make him/her happy? Remember that is the goal of your play." This shift in our thinking has cut down on the number of tattlings and arguments by at least 50%.

When our little buddy Eli came over for a day, I reminded the kids of this principle again. My son (age 4) especially struggles with letting Eli (age 2) play with toys in the way that he (Eli) wants to. By reminding my son and modeling for him how it looks to play "To Make Eli Happy" he was able to let Eli have the freedom to enjoy playing however he wanted. They both ended up much happier and enjoyed the playtime much more than when my son hoards the toys or wants to be the boss of Eli, telling him how to play with a certain toy.

It brings joy to my heart now to hear my son proudly proclaim "I played so sister can be happy!" or to catch them playing together in a kind, considerate way. I heap on the praise when I catch them in the act! And as the weeks have gone by, the kids are getting the hang of this more and more. Slowly they are realizing that everyone enjoys playtime more when they play to make others happy.

And isn't that the way life is? When we live with a servant attitude towards our spouse, our family, our church, we discover that joy can be found in looking to the interests of others instead of living life just to fulfill our own selfish desires. In that way, the Make-Others-Happy game is preparing my kids for life, as well as teaching them how to obey God and the Bible.

Thank you, God, for your perfect example of living life for others! We ask you to enable us to do the same. In Jesus' name, Amen!